I Suppose It Is True

Connection & Support

2011-03-20T13:17:00.001-05:00

Connection: 1. To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping; 2. the act or state of connecting; united; 3. something that connects, joins, or relates; link or bond; 4. a relationship or association; 5. logical sequence in thought or expression; coherence

Support: 1. to carry the weight of; 2. to bear or withstand (pressure, weight, etc.); 3. to provide the necessities of life for a person; 4. to establish a theory by providing new facts; to substantiate

5. to give aid or courage to; 6. to give approval to; 8. to give strength to.

I love this image - a flower, clearly linked and connected to something(s), ready to remind her of her place in the world. That we exist inside something very beautiful, even when we forget. This photo is a metaphor, a reminder for me that someone is always ready to stand near, ready to help, ready to ensure that we don't sink, or slip or fall. Today, I am grateful for this reminder and reality. I'm listening to a song by Alexi Murdoch right now - another beautiful message of connection and support - enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfJAh6hrCzw&feature=related

Center

2011-03-18T18:39:00.001-05:00

Center: 1. A point or place that is equally distant from the sides or outer boundaries of something; the middle: 2. A point equidistant from all points on the circumference of a circle or on the surface of a sphere; 3. A point around which something rotates or revolves: 4. A part of an object that is surrounded by the rest; a core: 5. a. A place where a particular activity or service is concentrated: b. A point of origin, as of influence, ideas, or actions. 6. To place in or at the center; To direct toward a center or central point; concentrate or focus

My attention goes directly to the center of this flower -- the beauty of the orange and the intricacies and textures of the center.

I have certainly used this word before in my blog -- Center -- I am on the front end of a 9 day vacation, and want to make some good choices about how I spend this glorious time away from work. I don't want to waste a minute of such freedom. I want to return to my center, my balance. I do have some work to do, and I want to schedule and commit to my health/exercise life while I have such a beautifully open calendar. It should certainly be easier to make space for this while on vacation, right? With hopes to soak up this week in all good ways, I will hold this image, this flower in my mind's eye, and let its bright, clear center be my guide. I'll let the definition "A point of origin, as of influence, ideas, or actions." be my guide and my reminder that I can act and choose in ways that will create the perfect vacation week. Onward.

Floating Above

2011-03-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

Floating (floating above) 1. a. To remain suspended within or on the surface of a fluid without sinking. b. To be suspended in or move through space as if supported by a liquid. 2. To move from place to place, especially at random. 3. To move easily or lightly.

Again, through the simple tools of Iphoto, I was able to make this flower look like it is floating or suspended in mid-air, against the black backdrop. Easy. All the other extraneous business fades into the back background, and the all important beauty of the flower remains front and center.

I wish there was a simple tool I could employ in my life, to float above..... to float above the extraneous, above the bull shit (that others, and I create), the ridiculous concerns conjured up in my mind. I want to keep the important things in life - the beauty - at the forefront, suspended against the dark background of the rest.

Somehow, it is not as easy as it is in Iphoto. But, of course, there are tools at my disposal, if I could only remember to use them. Loving kindness, mantras, my breath, music, poetry, writing in a journal, making a mandala -- focussing on the magic of color, paying attention to the metaphors called up in this life's journey. This week, there is much to rise above. Every day, there many things of beauty that I could appreciate, attend to, create. Onward.

Clarity

2011-03-12T18:53:00.002-06:00

I think it's time to return to the mandala-a-day project. It's been a while since I've sat long enough in my creativity to really settle my insides. I've been marching along with a focus on my work-mind/life, while trying to hold my emotions at a relative distance (except for those times when I simply can't, and the flood gates open full force).

I like this photo, altered with simple tools in I-photo. I see the intensity of yellow against the stark pitch of black, and the other colors determined to find a tiny space to shine though. It is just like my emotions in these last few months -- no matter how hard I try to press them into the background, they always find their way forth, sometimes in small ways, and often with an intensity that forces me to stop, to accept. When I allow this process to simply be and when I stop fighting myself, some sort of beauty and clarity emerge. Onward.

Mandala 99: Float

2010-10-21T09:32:00.001-05:00

Float: 1. a.To remain suspended within or on the surface of a fluid without sinking. b.To be suspended in or move through space as if supported by a liquid. 2. o move from place to place, especially at random; 3. To move easily or lightly.

With a few days away from work, I will try to float and enjoy fewer responsibilities, get myself to yoga and remind my body and my mind how to move more easily and lightly through my days.

Mandala 98: Skilled

2010-10-20T08:32:00.000-05:00

Skilled: Possessing or demonstrating accomplishment, skill, or special training.

It never ceases to amaze me how much and how often I am called upon to handle a situation with some special skill, usually some interpersonal skill. Easier, to blow a gasket, tell someone off, storm off, shake my head in dis-belief or disgust. Harder to show up steady, strong, solid and clear, setting out the needed limits and reasonable parameters with a grace and kindness. Life is hard. Skills help. Onward.

Mandala 97: Hope

2010-10-19T08:02:00.001-05:00

Hope: 1. To wish for something or look forward with expectation of its fulfillment. 2. To have confidence; trust. 3. To expect, to desire

I have heard it said that "hope is not a strategy" -- but still, I have it. It seems essential in order to keep moving forward.

Mandala 96: Sober

2010-10-18T16:03:00.001-05:00

Sober: 1. Habitually abstemious in the use of alcoholic liquors or drugs; temperate; 2. Not intoxicated or affected by the use of drugs; 3. Plain or subdued; 4. Devoid of frivolity, excess, exaggeration, or speculative imagination; straightforward: 5. Marked by seriousness, gravity, or solemnity of conduct or character; 6. Marked by circumspection and self-restraint.

Today is my 6th anniversary of quitting drinking. Sober. A healthy choice, for sure. Not always easy, but right for me.

Mandala 95: Middle

2010-09-19T14:59:00.002-05:00

Middle: 1. Equally distant from extremes or limits; 2. Being at neither one extreme nor the other; 3. The middle part of the human body; the waist.

I am up north at our lake home on Middle Cullen Lake. It has been a great weekend, and will be hard to go home. I have enjoyed a slower pace for these last 2 days, both inside/in my mind, and outside, with nothing to do but to play. I have found the middle in my emotions and it has been a relief.

It seems for this last month, I have lived on the edges, the extremes, emotionally, and have had a hard time standing in the middle of anything. As my partner Marilou walks the tightrope of fear regarding the lump in her breast and over all health issues, and as we both navigate the challenges inherent in the journey of intimate relationships, I haven't been able to find the middle. I have walked in these last 2 months with back pain, an indication of living, in my mind and my emotions, in the extremes. No middle.

I spent the day yesterday with my friend Shawyn, learning and experimenting with photography. Shawyn is an amazing photographer, and encouraged me to play in this medium. Just a point and shoot Cannon Power Shot. Just a chance to walk around the property, near the lake, noticing things. Capturing images and items and structures that caught my eye. Noticing various ways to frame the shot. Last evening, I played around with my photos using I-photo and photoshop, enhancing color, cropping and and refining and reframing what I captured in my camera. I enjoyed being lost in the meditative nature of walking and noticing and taking pictures. I felt a sense of relief in the process of creativity, both in the taking and in the adjusting the photographs. This of course, is no surprise. It is my mantra to students and to my team at The Lab, that creativity is the healing force that we can each access on our journeys. So my weekend on Middle Cullen Lake brought me back to the middle, and I am grateful. Now, the challenge is to remain steady, in the middle as I return to the real life off and away from the lake. Onward.

Day 94: Bike-Tire Mandala

2010-07-12T14:36:00.001-05:00

Bike Tire Mandala:

I have been away from my mandala-making again....too much summer fun to be had, so I have become a bit negligent to this project. I have been out biking, enjoying my new bike (see picture below). Very fun. Happy spinning!

My goal is to make it to my 100th mandala by Thursday, July 23rd. It seems an honorable number. Now, if I can only get off of my bike for long enough each day to make some mandalas!

Day 93: Playful

2010-07-07T07:38:00.000-05:00

Playful: 1. Full of fun and high spirits; frolicsome or sportive; 2. Humorous; jesting.

Today, I woke feeling tired and sore from my workout yesterday, but also feeling "light" in my mood. Although I have to begin my day with a couple of hours of going to work, the rest of my day will be spent playing. I might take myself for a walk around one of the city lakes or going to shop for a new bicycle. I'm sure I'll spend a good chunk of time reading my new novel on the patio. I love the leisurely nature of summer. The choice to be playful is a more ready choice for me in the summer. This mandala looks playful to me. It will be my reminder to keep a playful view each day. I wonder how I can bring a more 'playful' plan to my school year? Onward.

Day 92: Asymmetry

2010-07-06T07:14:00.001-05:00

Asymmetry: 1. Lack of balance; 2. Absense of symmetry in spatial arrangement or in logical relations

Life is like this, for sure, although try as I might to make it logical and symmetrical. Even when much of my life seems to be operating or set in symmetry, there is usually at least one aspect of my life that is not. I began this mandala in sets of three, but in short order, my pattern got confused. Soon it became a less clear pattern and sets of four. Not what I intended, but I like it, non the less. Onward.

Day 91: Mosaic

2010-07-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

Mosaic: 1. a. A picture or decorative design made by setting small colored pieces, as of stone or tile, into a surface. b. The process or art of making such pictures or designs. 2. A composite picture made of overlapping, usually aerial, photographs. 3. Something that resembles a mosaic.

If I can think of life as a mosaic, "the process/art of making designs" or the overlapping pictures/experiences that make up this life, this design, I will be in good shape. Too often, I am missing the bigger picture and get caught up in the small pieces, the little things. If I can remember that each of these small things is intended to create a bigger picture, an important design, daily life can be an exciting artistic process instead of a process filled with fear or tedious moments. Onward.

Day 90: Wood

2010-07-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

Wood: a. The secondary xylem of trees and shrubs, lying beneath the bark and consisting largely of cellulose and lignin; b. This tissue, often cut and dried especially for use as building material and fuel.

Last night, I dreamed I was drilling a hole in a piece of wood, makng something - I don't know what.

I looked up what this might mean in the world of dream interpretation and I like what I found. This interpretation seemingly confirms that I am working hard to creatively shape the course of my own life. I like, too, that there is a spiritual element to this dream/gesture as well.

Dream Interpretation/dreaming of wood: To dream that you are carving or shaping a piece of wood, indicates a power-giving act or creative gesture. You are molding or shaping the course of your own life. Alternatively, the wood may also symbolize spirituality and vital energy.

Day 89: Become

2010-07-03T09:40:00.000-05:00

To Become: 1. To grow or come to be; 2. To be appropriate or suitable to; 3. To be the fate of.

I like this symbol because the one segment of it (with the "t" shape) looks like a person in motion to me. This "person" also looks supported by some other being (to its left).

I will look to this mandala as my reminder that i don't have to be in this game of "becoming", alone. I have support from many key people in my life. I can reach out, just as I can reach within, as I walk in this life, becoming, and living into my fate. Onward.

Day 88: Strength-Power

2010-07-02T06:22:00.000-05:00

Strength: 1. The state, property, or quality of being strong. 2. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.3. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly. 4. Capacity or potential for effective action 5. A source of power or force.

Power: 1. The ability or capacity to perform or act effectively; 2. A specific capacity, faculty, or aptitude; 3. Strength or force exerted or capable of being exerted; might. 4. The ability or official capacity to exercise control; authority. 5. A person, group, or nation having great influence; 6. Forcefulness; effectiveness.

As I head home from my 10 day lake vacation, I go ready to tackle a few things, both personal and professional. I hope that I can proceed with a wise strength and power to act effectively. I have set some important goals, and will need the strength of my will -- my decision -- to succeed. Onward.

Day 87: Change

2010-07-01T07:52:00.000-05:00

Change: . 1. To become different or undergo alteration: 2. To undergo transformation or transition: 3. To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons. 4. To make an exchange: 5. To transfer from one conveyance to another: 6. To become deeper in tone.

This symbol is the most complex of all of the Chinese symbols I have chosen to include in my mandala project, (it was hard to trace) and it is a perfect metaphor or image for how hard it is to change -- to change habits, to change behavior, to change our minds - to change - even when we really want to, even when we are really motivated. Change is hard.

I love the definition of number 3 above -- to go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons -- this definition and this mandala helps me to welcome change and all of the opportunities it brings, just like each new season. Onward.

Day 86: Water

2010-06-30T10:39:00.002-05:00

Water: 1. A body of water such as a sea, lake, river, or stream. 2. A clear, colorless, odorless, and tasteless liquid, H2O, essential for most plant and animal life

Water Dream Interpreation: Water is a symbol of energy, cleansing, emotional stirrings. The condition of the water tells whether your emotional state is positive or negative. Dreaming of clear water foretells good luck at work and in your private life.

After a great day out on the water of Middle Cullen Lake, and after more than a week of thinking, journaling, reading and sitting with some emotional and spiritual questions, I am not surprised I had a dream last night about water. A funny dream, where I was reaching into my refrigerator in the lowest crisper drawer to reach for chocolate, which was floating in clear water. I was gathering up all of the pieces of dark chocolate with almond (mmmm good), and i was getting ready to take them with me to a work meeting. I have known that water dreams are about our emotions. I like the interpretation of dreaming about clear water -- that it is a foreshadowing of good luck in work and in my personal life. I believe it is worth it to do the emotional/spiritual work to clear each season, allowing us to move forward to the next. Onward. (and out to the kayaks!)

* by the way, dream interpretation about chocolate is as follows: Any dream that features chocolate in it is a simple omen that presages, not luxury, or impeccable taste, as one might expect, but, rather, Good health and contentment, coupled with a pampered lifestyle.

Day 85: Will-Determination-Purpose

2010-06-29T10:21:00.001-05:00

Will: 1a. The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course of action; 1b. The act of exercising the will; 2a. Diligent purposefulness; 2b. Self-control; self-discipline; 3. Desire, purpose, determination, especially of one in authority: 4. Deliberate intention; 5. Free discretion; inclination or pleasure; 6. Bearing or attitude toward others; disposition.

Determination: 1. a. The act of making or arriving at a decision; 1b. The decision reached. 2. a. Firmness of purpose; resolve; 2b. A fixed intention or resolution.

Purpose: 1. The object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or a goal: 2. A result that is intended or desired; an intention; 3. resolution; 4. The matter at hand; the point at issue; 5. To intend or resolve to perform or accomplish.

I love my time at Wilderness Resort, and basically, I just love my summer. It is my time especially, to take stock, re-group, set new goals and take action. Last summer, this came in the form of listening to Tony Robbins daily and utilizing all I learned to tackle my physical/fitness health. One year later, I feel so great that I achieved what I set out to do last summer. I have become a person who exercises regularly and one who is more fit than ever before.

This week, I am re-visiting my Tony Robbins cds on personal power and setting new goals. This week, my goals are about my finances and about my work. Who do I want to be in each of these arenas? What are my new mantras that will help shape and guide my daily actions? What is my purpose and hoped for outcome in each area? Last year, my mantra became, "I take care of my body, mind and spirit in every season, summer, fall, winter and spring". Every action I took supported my mantra. My mantra supported each action. Now, I'm generating a new mantra around money and around my work. This is all about making a decision. I am in the process of making these decisions in these 2 key areas. It is exciting to think about how I will feel one year from now, having achieved what I am setting out to achieve. This year, it is a great feeling to have achieved my purpose around fitness, one year later. Onward.

Day 84: Action

2010-06-28T10:49:00.005-05:00

Action: 1. The state or process of acting or doing; 2. Something done or accomplished; a deed; 3. Organized activity to accomplish an objective: 4. The causation of change by the exertion of power; 5. A movement or a series of movements; 6. Habitual or vigorous activity; energy: 7. Behavior or conduct.

I love the definition in number six above - (Habitual or vigorous activity, energy). Habits are usually associated with bad habits. In this case, I love the notion of productive habits that give us energy. I have returned to my Tony Robbins Personal Power CDs. Last summer, I invested in these CDs and it totally changed my life, specifically in the realm of health and fitness. I had seen Tony in late night info-mercials for many years. This time, I took a chance. I bought them and I listened to the whole series over the course of my first 30 days of summer vacation. Every day I had a routine. Breakfast. Tony Robbins cd and note taking. Journaling. Homework and studying for my 6 summer home-study credits. Workout. Lunch. Shower. And sometimes, some afternoons I would have some social time. Mostly, however, I was a quite a hermit, and enjoyed every minute of my private summer retreat. I made a schedule. I decided on what things I wanted to grow, change, focus. I took action. In the last year for the first time in my adult life, I have maintained consistent exercise at least 4 times per week. I lost 15 pounds. I feel better physically than I ever have.

It is summer again. My renewal period. I am listening again, to my Tony Robbins CDs. I am setting my summer schedule again. Deciding my focus. Taking action. What I blessing I have to take most of 3 months off of work, to re-group, re-consider all that really matters in this life. Health, for sure, both physical and emotional. Deepening and appreciating my relationship with Marilou and my close friends. Deepening my spiritual connections with a higher being through my mandala project.

I really appreciate Tony's simple view and approach to change-making. Get clear about what you want. Decide to go for it. Take action. For me, it is in the deciding. I have decided. A routine and schedule helps me. Tony Robbins coaching system and style helps me. Mandalas help me. Decision and action = relief for me. Spinning around in the "waiting til tomorrow" land is torture. The time is now. Onward.

Day 83: Fire In Dreams

2010-06-27T09:28:00.000-05:00

Fire in Dreams: 1. The psychologist Carl Jung said that fire represents the process of psychological transformation. Just as the alchemists used fire to transform base metals into gold, so the symbol fire is the trigger for the inner transformation. It purges the decay of the past yet is also the giver of light and spiritual truth. It is the eternal flame in the temple of the soul. It is from the fire that the phoenix of hope rises. 2. The cleanser or purifier. Relates to "getting something started or going". Means activation or setting something into motion. 3. Spirit. Energy. Unpolluted & cleansing. Need to be inspired or renewed. 4. To pass through fire intact is to see one elf as becoming purified. If a particular object is on fire (house, car, etc.), this may symbolize that something is over. Are you seeking cleansing from a bad experience? Are you going through a significant transition that requires spiritual preparation?

Last night I had a very vivid dream that a large curtain was on fire. I wasn't in danger in the dream. It was a contained fire that put itself out quickly. I woke knowing that my dream was trying to help me transform my emotions. I have had trouble of late stopping old conversations in my head. I have had trouble of late setting down hurt feelings. But this morning, I woke feeling a level of relief. I woke knowing that today's mandala would be this chinese symbol for fire. I will hold onto this mandala as my understanding and belief that I can transform my emotions, and move through, purify, cleanse and move through painful emotions and remain intact on the other side. After the fire, having survived, I am setting a newness in motion. Transformation. Onward.

Day 82: Choices

2010-06-26T12:21:00.001-05:00

Choices: 1. The act of choosing; 2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option. 3. One that is chosen. 4. A number or variety from which to choose; 5. The best or most preferable part; 6. Care in choosing; 7. An alternative.

On Thursday, my friend Rick and I biked 16 miles on the Paul Bunyan bike trail, launching our bikes in Nisswa, Minnesota. My first long (for me) ride in almost a year! (I'm still sore!) Along the sweet trail, there were beautiful wild flowers that kept capturing my attention, and I wanted to stop a number of times to take some pictures. Each time, however, I also knew that I wanted to do this bike ride primarily for exercise -- really trying to push myself physically. So to stop to take a picture would interfere with my first priority of exercise. A Choice. Which felt more important to me? My exercise plan? My opportunity for creativity/beauty? I was torn each time I saw another beautiful flower. Should I stop? Should I peddle on? I did stop once, to take a picture of this cool wispy globe (my natural mandala for today).

As I was battling with my decision to choose strong exercise, or leisurely beauty/creativity, I thought (brilliantly), that I could give myself permission to stop to take photos on my way back to Nisswa on the trail. Perfect! So off I continued to peddle and sweat!

On the return ride, much to my dismay, I saw a man in a large tracker, all smiles and waves, mowing the grass along the trail, mowing down all of the pretty flowers of which I had intended to take pictures! Oh boy. What a funny metaphor for this life. As you make one choice, you give up something else. These choices aren't always easy choices. We feel torn. We battle with ourselves about which is the RIGHT choice. What if we miss out on something by choosing something else? The photo of this wispy flower is also a perfect image for all that does not last. Sometimes, if you don't choose now, you won't get a chance later. This flower, like everything, is impermanent. I will look to this mandala for a reminder to simply choose, and act now. This is all we have, and we can only really do one thing at a time if we are to be really present in the moment. I can also use this mandala to remind myself that waiting for later may mean that I won't get the chance - because later might not come. Onward.

Day 81: Sun-Day

2010-06-25T10:31:00.002-05:00

Sun: 1. A star that is the basis of the solar system and that sustains life on Earth, being the source of heat and light. It has a mean distance from Earth of about 150 million kilometers (93 million miles) a diameter of approximately 1,390,000 kilometers (864,000 miles) and a mass about 330,000 times that of Earth. 2. A star that is the center of a planetary system. 3. The radiant energy, especially heat and visible light, emitted by the sun.

Day: 1. The period of light between dawn and nightfall; the interval from sunrise to sunset. 2. a. The 24-hour period during which the earth completes one rotation on its axis. b. The period during which a celestial body makes a similar rotation. 3. One of the numbered 24-hour periods into which a week, month, or year is divided. 4. The portion of a 24-hour period that is devoted to work, school, or business; 5. A 24-hour period or a portion of it that is reserved for a certain activity; 6. A specific, characteristic period in one's lifetime.

I chose this symbol yesterday, as it was a beautiful sunny day up here at Middle Cullen Lake. I rode 16 miles on the Paul Bunyan bike trail with my friend Rick. It was day three of being back on track with daily exercise. It felt like a new day, another and new chance to choose health. I like this image of this mandala, the Chinese symbol for sun/day. It looks to me like a ladder, steps toward the sun. I'm forever taking steps toward health, and it isn't always easy. It is easiest when I remember to simply take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Onward.

Day 80: Earth

2010-06-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

Earth: 1. a. The land surface of the world. b. The softer, friable part of land; soil, especially productive soil. 2. The third planet from the sun; 3. The the temporal world, the realm of mortal existence; 4. a. Worldly affairs and pursuits. b. Everyday life; reality; 5. The substance of the human body; clay. 6. The ground of an electrical circuit.

7. Chemistry Any of several metallic oxides, such as alumina or zirconia, that are difficult to reduce and were formerly regarded as elements. 8. Idiom - "on earth"

Among all the possibilities.

In my book Chinese Characters: The Art and Meaning of Hanzi, this symol is described as follows: "Another of the five elements, Earth is associated with yellow, and its planet is Saturn. In traditional chinese medicine, Earth is concerned with the spleen, pancreas and stomach, the organs of digestion. Its emotion is anxiety, and its stage of life is adulthood. Unlike the other four elements, Earth is not associated with a particular season, but with a period of change between seasons every three months".

Today, after a few days away, I return to my mandala--making process. I chose to trace a symbol from my book, one that called to me as I flipped through the book. I landed on the symbol of Earth. I have landed up north for a 10 day vacation. Today, it is raining, soaking the earth, making it ready and supporting its continued growth. Today, I am finding my footing again, my earth, and the especially productive soil. Today is my first steps back to the notion of goal setting, getting clear my priorities, taking proactive steps on my earth to take responsibility for myself, my adulthood. I find myself, indeed, between seasons. This time away up north is that space marking change for me. I want to reconsider my priorities. I want to re-commit to my physical health. I want to remember that I am solidly planted on this earth for many reasons. My job is to figure out why. I like the last line of the definitions. "On Earth - Among all the possibilities". Onward.

Day 79: Why there was No Mandala Yesterday!

2010-06-20T10:47:00.005-05:00

This is the culprit for why there was no mandala yesterday! Had to make a trip to the new Apple store in Uptown. Had to buy a new toy. Apple TV. Now I can make a slide show of all my mandalas! (not to mention, rent movies from itune) & watch them on our TV!) Today, back to art/mandala making. More to come.....

Day 78: Undo Patterns

2010-06-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

Undo: 1. the act of untying 2. reversal of the doing of something done; 3. canceling, annulling 4. the act of bringing to disgrace or destruction 5. the cause of ruin, disgrace, or destruction

Patterns: 1. a. A model or original used as an archetype. b. A person or thing considered worthy of imitation. 2. A plan, diagram, or model to be followed in making things: 3. A representative sample; a specimen. 4. a. An artistic or decorative design: b. A design of natural or accidental origin; 5. A consistent, characteristic form, style, or method, as: a. A composite of traits or features characteristic of an individual or a group: b. Form and style in an artistic work or body of artistic works. 6. a. The configuration of gunshots upon a target that is used as an indication of skill in shooting. b. The distribution and spread, around a targeted region, of spent shrapnel, bomb fragments, or shot from a shotgun. 7. Enough material to make a complete garment. 8. The flight path of an aircraft about to land: 9. To make, mold, or design by following a pattern.

Just as I have spent a lifetime opening and protecting and opening and protecting my heart, I have spent a lifetime trying to undo patterns that no longer serve me. Easier said than done, of course. The patterns somehow are the easiest path chosen, especially in times of stress, just when indeed, we need a new pattern to see our way through. I will look at this mandala as a reminder to undo the old patterns that no longer serve me.

Day 77: First 20 Days

2010-06-17T08:35:00.000-05:00

First 20 Days:

I thought it would be fun to try to capture as many of the words of my blog since I began in late March.
20 words fit into this particular mandala. This is just a fun one-stop-shop view of thoughts and feelings that have been a part of my mandala a day project.

More summaries to come!

Day 76: Heart

2010-06-16T11:41:00.001-05:00

Heart: 1. The chest area that is the approximate location of the heart in the body; 2. a. The vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities; b. The repository of one's deepest and sincerest feelings and beliefs; c. The seat of the intellect or imagination; 3. a. Emotional constitution, basic disposition, or character; b. One's prevailing mood or current inclination; 4. a. Capacity for sympathy or generosity; compassion; b. Love; affection; 5. a. Courage; resolution; fortitude; b.The firmness of will or the callousness required to carry out an unpleasant task; 6. A person esteemed or admired as lovable, loyal, or courageous; 7. a. The central or innermost physical part of a place or region; b. The core of a plant, fruit, or vegetable; 8. The most important or essential part.

I treated myself to a new book the other day. It is called: "Chinese Characters: The Art and Meaning of Hanzi". I really love the beauty of these symbols, and I appreciate the nature of how these "images" are actually words. I know our letters are also images that combine to equal words, but this, somehow, these Chinese symbols are particularly compelling to me. I like how incorporating this symbol into my mandala project seems a perfect match.

I love all of the definitions above, particularly, "The most important or essential part", and "The vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities".

While fundamentally, I believe that my full and open heart and how I accept myself and such a full range of emotions is vital to my very health and joy, I also struggle with the nature of my heart. Today, I am so aware of how my life has been a continual process of uncovering and then, protecting, and then uncovering my heart, again and again. One time, I worked with an energy healer, and she told me after our first appointment that my heart energy walks in front of my body about 15 feet. She surmised that I often feel vulnerable in the world, being so open, so transparent. She wasn't telling me anything new. The old adage, "she wears her heart on her sleeve" is true for me. And yet, I struggle, wanting at times, to be more closed, self-protective. Especially, of course, when I have opened my heart, only to have it hurt, even if unintentionally, by others.

I don't believe most people are out to hurt anyone's heart. But I also don't believe that most people are willing to really show their full emotions, and often, can't show up fully when others show their full emotions. This is what is most disappointing to me. I have spent much of my life finding those people who can really walk with me in all of their authenticity, and meet my own, without dismissing me or my emotions. I guess, indeed, it takes heart to live fully from my heart. Definition #5a. is a good reminder - Courage; resolution; fortitude - Heart. I march on.

Day 75: Summer

2010-06-15T07:42:00.000-05:00

Summer: 1. The usually warmest season of the year, occurring between spring and autumn and constituting June, July, and August in the Northern Hemisphere, or, as calculated astronomically, extending from the summer solstice to the autumnal equinox. 2. A period of fruition, fulfillment, happiness, or beauty.

Definitely! A period of happiness, fulfillment and beauty! For a school employee who gets to enjoy such a luxurious period of time away from work, there is nothing better than a Minnesota summer - (except, maybe, a warm winter vacation to Florida in December). This morning, I step completely grateful into summer.

Day 74: Converge

2010-06-14T07:32:00.000-05:00

Converge: 1.To tend toward or approach an intersecting point; 2. To come together from different directions; meet; 3. To tend toward or achieve a common conclusion; 4. To approach a limit; 5. Resulting in an end point

Today, it all converges. The school year, and all that it brought, comes to end. It's a beautiful day. Onward.

Day 73: Air-Bubbles

2010-06-13T14:54:00.003-05:00

Air: 1. A colorless, odorless, tasteless, gaseous mixture, mainly nitrogen (approximately 78 percent) and oxygen (approximately 21 percent) with lesser amounts of argon, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, neon, helium & other gases.2. The sky; the firmament. 3. A giant void; nothingness: 4. An atmospheric movement; a breeze or wind. 5. A peculiar or characteristic impression; an aura. 6. Breath.

Bubbles: 1. A thin, usually spherical or hemispherical film of liquid filled with air; 2. A pocket formed in a solid by air or gas that is trapped; 3. Something insubstantial, groundless, or ephemeral; 4. A fantastic or impracticable idea or belief; an illusion; 5. A speculative scheme that comes to nothing; 6. A protective, often isolating envelope or cover; 7. To rise to or as if to the surface; emerge; 8. To display irrepressible activity or emotion.

I love this mandala, with the various size "air bubbles" floating in the larger circle, each following a pattern toward something larger or smaller, depending on how your eyes follow the trail. I like the color choices of soft browns and blues. I love, as usual, the various definitions of both Air and Bubbles. I enjoy basically playing a word association game through the image of the mandala and the words/definitions that ensue. This mandala is the representation of the the air bubbles, the breath, and the the protective covering I have been floating in lately. I'm trying to allow myself to float in all the areas of life that are so often quite an illusion of our own making. I am trying to allow and accept whatever atmospheric movement is going push me along. I am trying to let go, and let my breath and my authentic-self rise to the surface, like an air bubble, finding its way to where ever it should end up.

Day 72: Complete

2010-06-12T19:08:00.004-05:00

Complete: 1. Having all necessary parts, components, or steps; entire; 2. Having come to an end; concluded. 3. Absolute; total; 4. To bring to an end: 5. To make whole, with all necessary elements or parts:

This post is a few days pre-mature, as when I was making this mandala, actually, I was thinking about this coming Monday -- my official last day of the school year. "Absolute. Complete. To bring to an end. To make whole. Thorough". Monday, these definitions will ring true. There are some endings that are particularly poignant. This year is one of those years. I am more than ready for this year to end. I am more than excited. So much will feel complete. There is so much to look forward to our next year. For this future, too, I am ready. It is time to make whole, again. A summer rest, and Onward.

Day 71: Full Circle

2010-06-11T21:06:00.001-05:00

Full Circle: : 1. Through a series of developments that lead back to the original source, position, or situation or to a complete reversal of the original position —usually used in the phrase come full circle.

I have come full circle. I see with fresh eyes what was, and better yet, I see with fresh eyes what will be.

Day 70: Seeds

2010-06-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

Seeds: 1. A source or beginning.

I love this simple short phrase/definition. My mandala-making process began as a simple idea, a seed, a source, a beginning. It has provided immense comfort in these last 70 days. Thank goodness for seeds of ideas that grow.

As I think about the end of the school year, I think of all the seeds I have planted along the way. Hopefully, many of all the best seeds will grow and flourish for the youth who have come to The Lab. Today, I visited with a former student who has grown tremendously into his young adulthood. Our visit confirmed that the seeds we planted and the roots that deepened at The Lab have contributed to his growth. This feels so satisfying. Onward.

Day 69: Opening

2010-06-09T20:08:00.002-05:00

Opening: 1. The act or an instance of becoming open or being made to open; 2. An open space serving as a passage or gap; 3. A breach or aperture; 4. A clearing in the woods; 5. The first part or stage, as of a book; 6. The first performance; 7. A formal commencement of operation; 8. Games A specific pattern or series of beginning moves in certain games, especially chess; 9. An opportunity affording a chance of success.

Today, I feel my heart opening again, after a period of feeling hurt, closed and self-protective. I'm opening to (and feeling) summer approach (3 days til vacation). I'm feeling the open space coming toward me, with a breath of fresh air, open space, and possibility. I love summer vacations in Minnesota -- a gap between the end of the school year, and the fresh start of Fall. It is a chance to refresh, regroup, reconsider, re-evaluate and rest. I am open and ready for all of these things.

I had an amazing day at work due to 2 separate and distinct conversations with others who were wanting to know more about my work at The Lab. Both conversations opened my mind to many broader and potentially bigger possibilities in this work in which I believe so strongly. Doors are opening in my work again. Today, I believe, was an opening to the next ideas of The Lab. Growth. Potential. Opportunities. Collaboration. Bridges. I think there is more coming. I am open.

Day 68: Evolution

2010-06-08T19:47:00.002-05:00

Evolution: 1. A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form; 2. a. The process of developing; b. Gradual development; 3. (in Biology) Change in the genetic composition of a population during successive generations, as a result of natural selection acting on the genetic variation among individuals, and resulting in the development of new species.

This mandala project will be a series piece, evolving each day with one more completed mandala, to eventually complete the series (and the symbolic ending of the school year for me). I love the definitions listed above for Evolution. Perfect. Today was day one of five of the final count down from this school year to whatever is next. Summer, first, of course, and then, an evolution again of The Lab for sure next year. Gradual changes, moving forward into an improved form, still yet. Exciting. Hopeful. Four more days.

Day 67: Time - Tick Tock

2010-06-07T18:34:00.001-05:00

Time: 1. an instance or single occasion for some event; 2. a period of time considered as a resource under your control and sufficient to accomplish something; 3. an indefinite period (usually marked by specific attributes or activities); 4. a suitable moment; "it is time to go"; 5. the continuum of experience in which events pass from the future through the present to the past; 6. a person's experience on a particular occasion; 7. assign a time for an activity or event. Tick Tock: 1. The ticking sound made by a clock.

No definitions are really needed here. Just counting single-digit days until summer vacation! Tick-Tock Says the clock! Soon it will be time to go....

Day 66: Escape

2010-06-06T18:00:00.000-05:00

Escaping: 1.To break loose from confinement; get free;2. To issue from confinement or an enclosure; leak or seep out; 3. To avoid a serious or unwanted outcome; 4. To interrupt a command, exit a program, or change levels within a program by using a key, combination of keys, or key sequence; 5. To succeed in avoiding; 6. To elude the memory or comprehension of.

"The trouble is....there is no real escaping it...the trouble..."

I like this mandala, and the playing with words, a sentence that doesn't really ever end....It speaks to the notion of how hard it is, sometimes, to have chosen sobriety, and have given up the escape valve of drinking. I know it was an artificial and quite temporary escape, but in moments of deep sadness, or high anxiety and worry, I long for the escape that a drink could bring. That too, however, was a cycle that didn't ever really end, either. Drink each day, feel crummy each morning, hate myself for drinking. Repeat.

I know the choice of sobriety is the only way through, the only real escape. We are all stuck with managing this life, our emotions, our circumstances. No one escapes, really. Somehow, remembering this, is comforting.

Day 65: Bright

2010-06-05T17:57:00.001-05:00

Bright: 1. a. Emitting or reflecting light readily or in large amounts; shining. b. Comparatively high on the scale of brightness. c. Full of light or illumination; 2. Characterizing a dyestuff that produces a highly saturated color; brilliant.

3. Glorious; splendid; 4. Full of promise and hope; auspicious; 5. Happy; cheerful; 6. Animatedly clever; intelligent; 7. High and clear.

So today, it has been a rainy, gloomy day here in St. Paul, but my mood lifted as I created this mandala -- I chose brlght colors. It is so nice to be back to my mandala-making process and it does feel full of promise, hope.

I enjoyed a fantastic show at Steppingstone Theater today, "Legacy: A Tribute to Michael Jackson" -- AMAZING! and Bright, and uplifting. I got to see a former student perform. Tonight, I'll attend Women's Drumheart 20th anniversary drum show. I'm hoping to see an old friend. In both cases, the intersection of my life with these 2 people is glorious and splendid. A bright feeling, for sure.

Day 64: Sand Mandala

2010-06-04T06:51:00.001-05:00

Sand Mandala: 1. The Sand Mandala (tib: kilkhor) is a Tibetan Buddhist tradition involving the creation and destruction of mandalas made from colored sand.

Enjoy this clip from CNN, via Speaking of Faith.

http://blog.speakingoffaith.org/post/663008276/building-a-mandala-of-the-buddha-of-compassion

Day 63: Open Space

2010-06-03T21:31:00.001-05:00

Open space: A space of infinite volume and without any boundary (in the cosmological context).

Ok. Tonight, I am too tired (I have not stopped all day) to make a mandala. I swear, I am soon to return to my sweet daily practice of mandala-creating!

Instead, tonight, I give you this view, this open circular space from our Hawaii trip a few years ago. The ocean has been on my mind so much in this last month. I'm so sad and worried about the oil spill and the vast and deep implications on her. It's beyond my mind what will unfold.

In this tragedy, and in very general terms in this life, I want to know what solutions are possible? I want to remember that the possibilities are infinite, and without artificial boundaries. I want to accept the open space of possibilities for each day to unfold with the grace that is both available, and that is needed. Open Space.

Day 62: Djembe

2010-06-02T20:15:00.004-05:00

Djembe: A djembe is a goblet-shaped hand drum that originated among the Manding people of West Africa. Djembes, because of their shape, are capable of producing a range of tones and sounds. Generally, djembes are made of wood, with an animal skin stretched over the top. Djembes are extremely popular in the drum-circle culture of North America and Europe.

The "mandala" today is something I will bring into my summer fun, along side my mandala-making project. I just bought this very Djembe drum tonight at Ellis Drum Shop. I connected with a former student (the sales person) from long, long ago and accepted his gracious encouragement, clear knowledge of the drum, and his kindness. This drum is a circular experience, in so many ways! This drum brought me back to a very wonderful time in life, and a great connection with a student and his family. This drum will bring me into a new community at the Women's Drum Center, as I begin to take a few classes. The centering nature of drumming will remind me of my own center and grounded-ness, despite the storms, just as the mandala-making process has calmed my spirit. Bass. Tone. Slap. Bass. Tone. Slap. I am finding the rhythms that beat within, and working to not be thrown off beat along the way.

Day 61: Many Petals

2010-06-01T16:37:00.004-05:00

Many: 1. Being one of a large indefinite number; numerous; 2. Amounting to or consisting of a large indefinite number; 3. A large indefinite number; 4. The majority of the people; the masses; A large number of persons or things:

Petals: 1. One of the often brightly colored parts of a flower surrounding the reproductive organs. Petals are attached to the receptacle underneath the carpels and stamens and may be separate or joined at their bases. As a group, the petals are called the corolla.

Today, I borrowed this "natural mandala" from Marilou's sweet photo of our potted flowers. I like each of the sweet pink petals, and that they are clustering, integrating, supporting, surrounding one another. Given that I just had some surgery involving removing an ovarian cyst, the definition of Petals cracks me up - colored parts of a flower surrounding the reproductive organs!

I am thinking about how lately, I'm struggling to stay integrated, struggling to find my place within the masses. It seems easier to me lately, to separate myself from the masses, and go solo. As I see the beauty of this flower, however, I am reminded of what is possible if I remain connected. This mandala is a reminder of that worth.

*Hopefully, soon (tomorrow?) I will be back on track, creating my own mandalas -- In the meantime, thanks to Marilou for sharing her photos of the natural mandalas in our midst each day.

Day 60: Scar

2010-05-31T14:54:00.001-05:00

Scar: 1. A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed. 2. A lingering sign of damage or injury, either mental or physical; 3. A mark, such as a dent, resulting from use or contact. 4. To leave lasting signs of damage on.

After this recent surgery (my first and only surgery since I was a little girl with a broken thumb), I have acquired 3 more scars. Laparoscopic surgery left a trail of three short lines on my belly. Reminders, lasting signs of the healing taking place after the surgical repair of my insides.

It's funny to me that since I have only had surgery one time so long ago in childhood, I haven't thought much of my life's physical scars. I usually am thinking in terms of emotional scars. These, I have plenty of. There is something interesting about the physical form of scars. There is something oddly comforting to me about the physical nature of scars -- they are tangible, concrete, real, indisputable. Emotional scars, sadly, less so. This mandala, with its red and black sharp edges, is a tangible honoring of my internal and emotional scars, acknowledging the truth of their existence. I see you.

Day 59: Recouperating

2010-05-30T15:38:00.001-05:00

Recuperating: 1. To return to health or strength; recover. 2. To restore to health or strength. 3. To regain.

Marilou took this photo of a gerber daisy in our backyard flower pots. Today, it is a placeholder, real-life mandala from nature, holding space for my mandala-making art process until I have the energy to make my own.

Today, it is a Law and Order marathon, resting horizontal -- the most comfortable position as I recuperate and heal my belly. A few more days, and I'll regain my health and strength. (the clouds are helping me feel like I'm not missing out on summer fun!)

Day 58: Healing

2010-05-29T16:05:00.001-05:00

Healing: 1. the natural process by which the body repairs itself 2. curative: tending to cure or restore to health.

Usually, I find myself in this mandala-making process thinking about healing my heart, my emotions, my emotional world, or the hurts collected along the way in life.

But today, I am recovering from laparoscopic surgery, and it is my body that is on my mind. My body is trying to heal itself. Moving about, trying to roll over in bed, or get up out of a chair is challenging, Ouch!

Here is a sweet mandala with some healing colors and a gentle pattern. To me, it looks like a person in the center, surrounded by the energy of many moons holding space and the healing energy for me.

I'm grateful to have some leisurely weekend time to rest, and grateful for receiving the sweet care of my partner.

Day 57: Acceptance

2010-05-28T05:50:00.001-05:00

Acceptance: (for a missed day): 1. credence: the mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true; .2. adoption: the act of accepting with approval; favorable reception; 3. the state of being acceptable and accepted.

This is a sweet little rock pattern I made one time, but I don't remember where I was when I did it. It might have been in Portland, when I was visiting my friend Diana a few years ago. I think we had been on a walk on Cannon Beach, or maybe it was after a hike on Mt. Hood. Can't remember where I was -- but remember loving making this sweet little circle of stones.

Yesterday, I missed my first mandala/blog entry since I began in late March. It was a full and busy day, no stopping from 7:30am - 10:30pm. Today, I will have minor surgery, and don't know how groggy I'll be later, so who knows -- I might have to miss a second blogging/mandala day. Acceptance. It is just how it goes sometimes, despite my best desire and effort to create a consistent and regular daily spiritual practice,such as this Mandala A Day Project. Acceptance. I will begin again Just like in life. Always a beginner.

Day 56: Entrance

2010-05-26T19:03:00.001-05:00

Entrance: 1. something that provides access 2. to capture, attract; cause to be enamored; 3. a movement into or inward 4. put into a trance 5. the act of entering.

While I'm not thrilled with this mandala's design, I am appreciating the word that came to me as I was creating it - Entrance. I love this word for the feeling it gives me of being welcomed, or the feeling of having potential, hope to go somewhere. I feel like I am on a journey, although I don't always know to where. There are days when I don't know how to really enter into that which is most important, and instead, I get caught up in the small stuff, as they say.

I love the definition of number 3 above, "a movement into or inward". This is where I want to go - to enter my internal world, a place where, when I can quiet my mind enough, I see and can honor my authentic self, again.

I also appreciate the definition of number 4 - to put into a trance. Again, I am striving to quiet my mind, trance-like, to let go of the extraneous, to attend to the excitement of the journey inward. This mandala-making process is something that provides me access, entrance to myself.

Day 55: Fleeting Thoughts

2010-05-25T15:47:00.001-05:00

Fleeting: 1. lasting for a markedly brief time 2. passing quickly.

Thoughts: 1. mental forms and processes 2. the process of using your mind to consider something carefully.

I like this funky mandala, with the ink-pressed patterns of leaves, floating across the circles. (Thanks, Carol, for bringing the new thought of ink stamps to my mandala project!) These leaves sweep across the page, like thoughts that sweep across and through my mind each day. I'm reminded of the beautiful statement (when times are tough) that nothing lasts - it's all fleeting. What a relief. This idea, of course, is not so readily accepted when we want to hold onto the good times, and we want them to last.

I'm working hard to let the whole experience of this life, the thoughts that roll through at any given moment, be simply fleeting - to let it pass through with ease, like the lightness of feather-like leaves inked across this mandala.

Day 54: Moonstone Mandala - The First Day Off Since I Began

2010-05-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

Moonstone Mandala:

Today, I did not have time to create a mandala. It's an exercise of being ok with this fact, that after 53 days, I have a gap in my mandala-making routine -- a reminder not to beat myself up over this fact. I will get back to it tomorrow. An exercise in self-compassion and encouragement, instead of self-criticism.

Tonight, I am "cheating" by posting an image I found, after revisiting a beautiful Mandala blog I discovered at the beginning of this project. The link is: http://moonstonemandala.com/?p=27.

I love this idea of painting mandalas on stones. I think I will do this in the summer.

It was a busy day, and I continue to long for more leisurely days, spent in the creative process of mandala-making, african drumming, guitar playing, and reading The Sun, my favorite magazine.

Day 53: Balance=Peace

2010-05-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

Balance: 1. a state of equilibrium 2. equality between the totals of the credit and debit sides of an account 3. proportion: harmonious arrangement or relation of parts or elements within a whole (as in a design); 4. equality of distribution 5. remainder: something left after other parts have been taken away; 6. counterweight: a weight that balances another weight

Peace: 1. the state prevailing during the absence of war 2. harmonious relations; freedom from disputes; 3. the absence of mental stress or anxiety 4. the general security of public places.

Today, my mind raced, with not much balance or peace. My thoughts were leaning toward and giving too much attention to one single aspect of life - work. The task list is growing shorter as the year comes to a close, but still, it weighs. Today, I wanted mental equilibrium, but couldn't achieve it. I fought myself on going to yoga for a large chunk of time, or ticking the tasks off my list, so as to be able to start my week with a sense of calm about work. I chose the latter. I've hardly been to yoga this month, and I can feel the loss of it in my ability to find my balance, and a sense of peace inside. After I post this, I will tackle my list, and be sure to go to bed tonight, knowing I will have less to worry about and do when I wake. It's a fresh week, a chance to begin again. I will choose Yoga on Wednesday, the only day in the coming 10 days that I can attend. I will count on my mandala-making process as a key way in which I can find some balance and peace in these next 10 days. Yoga, I will be back.

Day 52: Drum - Heart-beat

2010-05-22T12:44:00.001-05:00

Drum: 1. a musical percussion instrument; usually consists of a hollow cylinder with a membrane stretched across each end 2. to make a rhythmic sound.

Heart-beat: 1. a pulse: the rhythmic contraction and expansion of the arteries with each beat of the heart; 2. blink of an eye: a very short time; 3. an animating or vital unifying force.

As I created this mandala, the thunder outside roared its low rumbling rainstorm-rhythm. A perfect backdrop for this mandala. This mandala clearly emerged from my anticipation and excitement I feel about the Introduction to Hand Drumming workshop that I am going to later this afternoon. Again, the weather is a perfect mirror for this experience.

I have always wanted to learn to play the drums -- specifically, the sort of drums, often african drums, that you play with your hands. I know nothing about this except that, just like the experience and process of making mandalas calms me, so does the steady rhythm of the drum. I have had the chance a few times to beat the african drum with others. It is a powerful grounding force for me. I love the very last definition offered above in Heartbeat -- an animating or vital unifying force. For me, I believe that my life is about integrating all of the life experiences and various parts of myself, into one whole and authentic being, coming to a place of self-love and compassion. I think, too, my life is about finding such unifying and connected experiences in the various communities in my life, the community of friends I have and the chosen family I have created with my partner and our animals.

This journey is about honoring my authentic self, enough to share it with the world, instead of hiding with fear and self-doubt. I will use all of these tools and processes- -- the beating of the drum, the process of re-membering of my sometimes broken heart, the true connection I have with my people, the belief and trust that there is a place for me in the circle of this life, and the experience of coming-home, again and again, to my breath, to the heart beat, to the calming force of the mandala -- as ways to meet and welcome my true self.

Day 51: Radiate

2010-05-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

Radiate: 1. To send out rays or waves. 2. To issue or emerge in rays or waves: 3. To extend in straight lines from or toward a center; diverge or converge like rays:

4. To spread into new habitats and thereby diverge or diversify. 5. To emit (light, for example) in or as if in rays. 6. To send or spread out from or as if from a center: 7. To irradiate or illuminate 8. To manifest in a glowing manner: 9. Having rays or raylike parts, as in the flower heads of daisies.

As I look at this mandala now, I see 2 things. The first thing I see is the sun radiating behind the palm tree in the foreground. But at a quick second glance, it looks like a tomato! (for some reason, that just cracks me up). Anyway....

I am feeling the energy of summer, ready for the sun to radiate in all directions, warmth. I am ready for a new canvas on which to paint this life -- a fresh, clean page, ready for new colors. I am seeking the energy of others who radiate warmth, connection, compassion.

Tomorrow, I will be taking an Intro to Hand Drumming class at the Women's Drum Center in St. Paul. I expect that the energy of those participating will eminate a powerful and connected force. I look forward to being swallowed up in the rhythm and sound and energy of curious women who are gathering to learn something new. I want to surround myself with positive, connected and compassionate energy. I want to radiate this same energy back into the world. The mandala-making process and this intro to hand drumming class are opportunities for me to do the self-care and grounding work that keeps me connected in the world (instead of running for my life, into solitude and hiding) to myself and to others. These experiences allow me to manifest the most important things for me in this life -- authentic connection, radiating to and from my center.

Day 50: Growing Beyond

2010-05-20T20:53:00.000-05:00

Growing: 1. to Increase in size by a natural process. 2. a. To expand; gain: b. To increase in amount or degree; intensify; 3. To develop and reach maturity. 4. To be capable of growth; thrive: 5. To come into existence from a source.

Beyond: 1. at or to the other or far side of something 2. outside the limits of something

Before I created this mandala, I knew I wanted to use the image of flowers, and quickly, I knew I wanted to them to grow beyond the outer edge of this circle. It feels hopeful, and free to me, to see these flowers reaching beyond the limits imposed on the page. I am trying to grow beyond the limits imposed in life. Sometimes, these limits are imposed by others, and more often, these limits are self-imposed. Why, I wonder, do I limit myself, or my thoughts in these ways? There is a wider view available, if I look past the edge. I am growing past the edge.

Day 49: Center

2010-05-19T17:04:00.000-05:00

Center: 1. the middle, a point that is equally distant from the sides or outer boundaries 2. a point equidistant from all points on the circumference of a circle 3. A point around which something rotates or revolves: 4. A part of an object that is surrounded by the rest; a core: 5. a. A place where a particular activity or service is concentrated: b. A point of origin, as of influence, ideas, or actions: c. An area of dense population: 6. A person or thing that is the chief object of attention, interest, activity, or emotion. 7. A person, object, or group occupying a middle position. 8. A political group or a set of policies representing a moderate view between those of the right and the left.

Finding the center....centering....these are both the words and phrases that came to mind as I was creating this mandala. There are times, when I am out of balance, and I can't find the middle. I can't find the center, of myself, or a particular view. There are times when this middle ground, this center, seems so unclear to me, and even sometimes, impossible to grab hold. I'm stuck or sucked to the edge, out of balance, and often, afraid, anxious. Sometimes, I spin around the edges, with worry, with excessive "to do" lists, with expectations of myself or others.

There are other times, when it is so clear to me that I am standing solidly in the middle, the center. That I, in fact, am solidly centered, clear, in balance. I love those moments, when from this place, life has an ease about it. Things flow smoothly, my heart calms its beat, rests easy in the pace and my place in this life.

It is when I can come back to the middle, to my breath, to the center of what matters - the heart of the matter, that I feel free. The things that matter like compassion, for myself, and for others. Things like generosity, even to a stranger. Things like connection, to myself and to my partner. Things like noticing the beauty in art and nature and new babies. You make the list. When push comes to shove, we all know what matters.

I like that this mandala has an image in the center that looks heart-like to me. It breathes from the top, and is rooted with the 2 dots (feet maybe?) at the bottom. The blue radiates outward, and the red holds the middle, as if with 2 cupped hands.

After work today, after a very busy mind and a day filled with many specific tasks worked on and ticked off the incessant list, I went for a long walk. The weather is beautiful, and in and of itself, changes me. I walked to St. Kates, a place that has been central and continues to be central to my life. I walked the labyrinth (the old one) and admired the new one. Walking the labyrinth is such a centering experience. Walking inward, to the center. Thank you to the mandala-making process, for bringing me back to center.

Day 48: Splat

2010-05-18T16:37:00.000-05:00

Splat: This was the first image I saw when I googled the on-line definition of Splat! FUN!

.
		Definition:

1. a single splash 2. a slat of wood in the middle of the back of a straight chair- a straight-backed chair without arms, 3. to give off the sound of a bullet flattening on impact 4. to be flattened on impact
I created this mandala back in April, when I first was playing with markers in my long, narrow notebook. At the time, I named it splat. Fun for me, when I looked up the definition today for this blog, and saw, for the first time in these 48 days, an image included in a text-based definition. I guess my mandala series is the very definition of splat!

I also thought it was so interesting to learn of a definition I didn't previously know -- Splat - a slat of wood in the middle of the back of a straight chair, a chair without arms. Immediately, I realized that without the support, a strong spine, or the support and backing of others, I can feel myself risk feeling the very sound and being the very embodiment of the other definition of splat -- to be flattened on impact.

As I work toward these last 18 days of work before summer, before rest, before a fresh start, I continue to find my support and my strength, so as to not become the red splat at the end of a successful school year.

Day 47: Direction

2010-05-17T17:57:00.000-05:00

Direction: 1. the act of directing or being directed 2. management or guidance 3. the work of a stage or film director 4. the course or line along which a person or thing moves, points, or lies 5. the place towards which a person or thing is directed 6. a line of action; a course 7. the name and address on a letter, parcel, etc. 8. the process of conducting an orchestra, choir, etc. 9. an instruction in music in the form of a word or symbol heading or occurring in the body of a passage, movement, or piece to indicate tempo, dynamics, mood, etc.

I created this series of mandalas in April, when I first bought and used some markers (instead of colored pencils). At Wet Paint, I also discovered what felt like a cool long and narrow notebook, different from my usual square and small mandala notebook. This was a fun exploration of ink and shapes and length and direction. I like how the mandalas here grow from small to bigger, and the use of symbols with a point, and the variation in the direction of those points. Just like life. There is a constant variation in the direction of life, it seems. Sometimes, my direction is clear, I know exactly where I want to go, where I am going. The path feels right and clear and easy. Other days, I'm all turned around, confused and actually begin to re-trace my steps back, to see where I might have taken a wrong turn. I like the linear nature of this mandala series. Once again, a feeling of comfort for me. Life, of course, isn't linear, try as I might. I hope I can take the cues in life that help me shape the path, much like the symbols in sheet music, helping me capture the tone and mood and tempo of any given moment on the path.

Day 46: Whirl

2010-05-16T18:01:00.000-05:00

Whirl: 1. To move with a twisting or whirling motion; 2. To be dizzy, disoriented. 3. To be arranged in a spiral or twist 4. confusion or disorder.

Today, again, I spent my time in the yard, potting flowers and creating a patio that I will enjoy each day throughout the summer. Today, I spent the day in direct opposition to the notion of "Whirl". Today's "mind" was less busy than yesterday's mind. I was able to be more fully present, enjoying seeing how my flower choices and combinations came to life in each of their respective pots. The colors in this Mandala (which I made on 4-16-10) are bright like my flowers, like my summer. It was a weekend, NOT spent in a dizzying or disoriented manner - -rather, a weekend spent in a peaceful, slow moving manner, with activities that helped me feel needed internal order.

Day 45: Concentration

2010-05-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

Concentration: 1. The act or process of concentrating, especially the fixing of close, undivided attention.

Today, I spent the day working in the yard, mowing, weeding, planting flowers, pulling weeds. As I worked, I realized that my mind was quite busy, rolling over the dilemmas and tasks and conversations and emotions that go along with this life. As I pulled weeds, I worked too, to pull the weeds of my mind. To rid myself of that which I do not need. To clear a way for my attention to be fully on the moment at hand - the beautiful warm sunny day, the peaceful and calm pace in which I was able to spend my day. However, with my busy mind, it was a challenge to concentrate on the true present moment, as my mind's weeds crept back into yesterday, last week, last month, last year.

After I finished and named this mandala "concentration", I looked back in my blog to realize that on April 22nd, I created nearly this identical mandala -- same basic pattern, same basic colors. I named it Contemplation. Interesting. I guess orange and green and yellow mean similar things to me. This mandala, of course, has some added elements (squiggly lines, blurry circles inserted within the mandala, small blue dots throughout) - all representing my fractured mind, attention divided, difficult to concentrate on the present moment.

Day 44: Exploration

2010-05-14T06:42:00.000-05:00

Exploration: 1. the act or process of exploring

2. an organized trip into unfamiliar regions; expedition.

I actually made this mandala (my first one ever) 2-3 years ago. My friend, Georgia and I had gathered some friends together for an "art-making" day. We invited another friend, Nancy, to teach us about Mandalas, and walk us through the creation process. This is what I created. I have saved it for these last several years. Today, it comes in handy (as I didn't have the energy tonight to start from scratch).

The word "Exploration" is perfect, as this mandala was just that - an exploration into unknown, unchartered territory. I actually can't believe it has taken me these last 2-3 years to come back to the mandala-making process. I loved the experience of creating this one, my first one. Why did I let it go?

Now, as I play with the mandala a day project, I am trying to view my daily life through the mandala, as well as through the "word lenses" reflected in my mandala process. Life is, indeed, an exploration. Sometimes, the unfamiliar regions are emotional -- other times, more intellectual -- other times, more relational. If I can live my life with the attitude of an explorer, excited or at least curious (instead of afraid) to see what is coming around the next corner, I will better off. If I can see this life as I see my mandala-making process, one of permission, acceptance -- I will be better off. I love the metaphors at my disposal in this project. The mandalas and the mandala-making process are holding my hand right now. A comforting companion as I explore this life.

Day 43: Journey

2010-05-13T06:39:00.000-05:00

Journey: 1. The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. 2. A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip; 3. A process or course in life, likened to traveling; a passage.

Journey - This word came immediately to mind, as I played with the stencils making this mandala. The purple squiggles look like question marks to me. The lines seem like distinct mile-markers. The center spiral, and indication of a circular process, that goes inward.

This life is a journey, and most importantly, an inward journey of self-discovery, growing to be our best selves in the world. We have all heard "Life is a journey" a million times. But, on challenging times, it is hard to remember, and hard to believe. The challenges and hurdles of life become the focus, instead of remembering that we are all in process, on a journey.

Of all of the definitions noted above, I want to embrace the third one, most. A process, a passage. I know it there isn't really a destination in this life that matters, but rather, the process and journey and lessons we learn along the way. I continue to question this journey, and how to hold onto a bigger view. I continue to look for mile-markers and rest stops along the way, especially on hard days. I like the depth of the single orange droplet in this mandala. It will be my singular visual reminder of what is really important. The journey. The process.

Day 42: Layers

2010-05-12T06:36:00.000-05:00

Layers: a. A single thickness of something covering a surface or forming an overlying part or segment; b. A depth or level.

There is definitely a depth or level to this life - always something covering the surface....the work is to uncover it, layer by layer. What is really going on inside on those days I want to disappear? What is really going on inside on those days I feel disconnected from myself or others? What are the layers that are covering my authentic self? What is the risk to remove the layers, one by one, and show myself, just as I am? The layers are often protective, like a scab, covering over an old wound. The work is to know when the protection is no longer needed.

Day 41: Chain Reaction

2010-05-11T06:42:00.000-05:00

Chain Reaction: 1. A series of events in which each induces or influences the next. 2. Physics: A multistage nuclear reaction, especially a self-sustaining series of fissions in which the release of neutrons from the splitting of 1 atom leads to the splitting of others 3. Chemistry: A series of reactions in which one product of a reacting set is a reactant in the following set. 4. A process in which the result of one event triggers another event, usually of the same kind, which in turn triggers yet another event, so that the overall reaction tends to be self-sustaining.

I am working on managing my emotions lately, so as to not spin un-necessarily into more and more intense feelings at any given moment. Coming back to my breath is one of my strategies, if I can remember. "In. Out. In. Out. Come home to the comfort and safety of my breath", I tell myself. Certainly, there are days that one thing triggers me into sadness, or anger or any emotion that is challenging -- and I can find myself in this chain reaction -- moving faster and faster in my mind, whipping myself up into a frenzy. I even forget I am breathing. This mandala, in its circular container, holding the spirals, with the butterfly in the middle, is my reminder to stop -- and re-think the moment, and come back to my breath, so as to not continue on an un-necessary emotional roller coaster.

This mandala also reminds me of The Butterfly Effect:

The butterfly effect is a term used in Chaos Theory to describe how tiny variations can affect giant systems, and complex systems, like weather patterns. The term butterfly effect was applied in Chaos Theory to suggest that the wing movements of a butterfly might have significant repercussions on wind strength and movements throughout the weather systems of the world, and theoretically, could cause tornadoes halfway around the world. What the butterfly effect seems to posit, is that the prediction of the behavior of any large system is virtually impossible unless one could account for all tiny factors, which might have a minuteeffect on the system. Thus large systems like weather remain impossible to predict because there are too many unknown variables to count.

Day 40: Hold On

2010-05-10T07:40:00.000-05:00

Hold On: 1.a. To have and keep in one's grasp; b. To withstand stress, pressure, opposition; c. To keep from falling or moving; d. To stay securely fastened 2.a. To retain one's interest or attention; b. To be true; 3. a. To have and maintain one's possession; b. To have as a responsible position or a privilege; c. To have in recognition of achievement 4. a. To maintain occupation; b. To withstand the efforts or advance of another; c. To maintain in a given condition, situation, or action; 5. a. To be the legal possessor of; b. To bind by a contract; c. To adjudge or decree; d. To make accountable; obligate; 6. a. To keep in the mind or convey as a judgment, conviction, or point of view; b. To assert or affirm, especially formally; c. To regard in a certain way; 7. To take place; carry on; to continue in the same direction.

So many definitions, I couldn't leave many out. A long list that conveys where I am. My work mind and challenges have me holding on....keeping myself from falling....keeping myself moving in the same direction, toward the end of the school year, toward summer, toward planning for next year. I'm holding on, so as to not get overwhelmed, by the tasks of it all, by the emotions of it all, by the challenge of it all. Seems easier, some days, to just let it all go. To NOT hold on. To walk away. Open a yoga studio. Change my path altogether. Maybe one day. In the meantime, I like the linear and symmetric pattern of this mandala -- again, providing order to my internal feelings of disorder. Hold on.

Day 39: Emotions

2010-05-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

Emotions: 1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling, such as joy, sorrow, reverence, fear, hate, and love; 2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance: spoke unsteadily in a voice that betrayed his emotion; 3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility.

I definitely see myself as an emotional person. There are days I can respect and honor this trait about myself, no matter the flood and sort of emotions at hand -- and there are days I loathe it. The work for me is to accept my emotions without judgement, and therefore, accept myself.

I love the blue wash in the background, holding the bright emotions of yellow and orange in this mandala. If I can let my emotions simply swim in the freedom of blue, instead of fighting them, I am better off.

Day 38: Interesting

2010-05-08T06:24:00.000-05:00

Interesting: 1. Holding the attention; absorbing.

I spent the day again at St. Kate's at a great workshop and luncheon, with a focus on supervision in social work and social work education. Very interesting to me. I do enjoy being able to think about my work in this more "academic and theoretical" manner. I appreciated each of the speakers, and I just love being on campus, a place that definitely feels like home to me. It is a safe and compelling place for me to learn. So much history for me there....and a solid place where I feel a significant sense of belonging.

The shapes I used within this mandala remind me of eyes, focussed and looking and taking in a lot of information. That's what I did today -- and I appreciate having the chance to take in the information and be offered a new lens through which I can consider and understand my work. Very Interesting.

Day 37: Freedom

2010-05-07T06:57:00.000-05:00

Freedom: 1. The condition of being free of restraints;2. Liberty of the person from oppression; 3. Independence. 4. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition; 5. The capacity to exercise choice, free will: 6. Ease or facility of movement; 7. Frankness or boldness; lack of modesty or reserve; 8. The right to unrestricted use; full access; 9. A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference.

Freedom is the word I feel today, and this mandala represents this emotion. I feel the restraints and restrictions lifting, and the freedom of summer and new beginnings approaching. Many doors are opening, and I feel an increased ease and ability to move in this world as I am intended to, without interference. Freedom.

Day 36: Design

2010-05-06T07:12:00.000-05:00

Design: 1. To conceive or fashion in the mind; invent, or to formulate a plan for; devise; 2. To plan out in systematic, graphic form; 3. To create or contrive for a particular purpose or effect; 4. To have as a goal/purpose; 5. To create or execute in an artistic or highly skilled manner. 6. To make or execute plans. 7. To have a purpose in mind.

I treated myself to some new mandala children's toys. Fun design option! Here's a quick mandala that I made last night. I like the reminder of these new design options in my mandala process that I am in charge of designing my life -- sometimes, I forget, as it feels out of my control. But indeed, there are many choices I can make about how my life unfolds. Onward.

Day 35: Experiment

2010-05-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

Experiment: 1. A test under controlled conditions made to demonstrate a known truth, examine the validity of a hypothesis, or determine the efficacy of something previously untried. 2. An innovative act 3. To try something new, especially in order to gain experience.

I definitely enjoyed this new experiment....making mandalas on black paper. It's a whole different feel. I'm anxious to spend time this summer learning how to create shades of light with white pencil on black paper - shades of light, shades of life. I liked the statement/definition, "An Innovative Act" -- Life can be that, if I let it.

Day 34: Fresh

2010-05-04T06:46:00.000-05:00

Fresh: 1. New to one's experience; not encountered before. 2. Novel; different; 3. Recently made, produced; 4. Not yet used or soiled; clean; 5. Free from impurity, pollution; pure; 6. Additional; new; 7. Bright and clear; not dull or faded; 8. Having the glowing, unspoiled appearance of youth; 9. Untried; inexperienced; 10. Having just arrived; 11. Revived, reinvigorated.

I can tell I am reaching for the mandala-making process as a way to move forward, push through, to a new beginning...a fresh start. These colors are definitely a reflection of "fresh" to me -- Bright, lit up, a delicious slice of citrus at the beginning of my day.

Tomorrow, I will post a picture of the new and fresh approach to the mandala process into which I have just stepped -- using black paper, and white colored pencil and pastels -- I'm excited for a fresh view. In these last 30+ days, I have only used white paper. As of last night, I have stepped fresh into a new mandala game - using white pencil on black paper -- Fun. Fresh. Pure. Free from any preconceived notions. Novel. New to my experience. The time is right, for sure. Revived. Reinvigorated. Fresh.

Day 33: Open

2010-05-03T06:45:00.000-05:00

Open: 1. not brought to a conclusion; subject to further thought; 2. affording unobstructed entrance and exit; not shut or closed

This mandala is my effort to shift from a closed, protected place, to one that is more open and trusting. My hope is to walk into this week with some openness to what might unfold, instead of carrying a belief, or pre-conceived, expectation or pre-determined view that the internal struggle from last week will continue into this week.

I like how this mandala has very little color. Mostly just open spaces, shapes. I want to be open to the possibilities of letting go, the possibilities of shifting my emotions. I am not stagnant. Nothing stays the same. Thank goodness.

Day 32: Puzzle & Taking Hold

2010-05-02T09:28:00.002-05:00

Puzzle : 1. To baffle or confuse mentally by presenting a problem or being difficult 2. To clarify or solve something confusing by reasoning or study 3. To be perplexed 4. To ponder over a problem in an effort to solve or understand it 5. The condition of being perplexed; bewilderment.

Taking Hold: 1. To seize, to grasp 2. To understand, to establish, to commit.

I sat down to make a mandala last night, but I ended up making two. Here they are. The first image reflects the puzzle of my emotions this past week. Sharp edges, intrusive thoughts.

The second, reflects my desire and commitment to move forward, to take hold, to proactively accept myself as I am. This is the challenge, always, for me. Self-compassion.

I went to a workshop on Friday about self-care for social workers. We got to experience various tools for self care, including: qi gong, song, loving kindness mediation, and a specific meditation called Tonglin.

"Tonglin" practice is an amazingly simple example of how to practice letting go. It starts with basic human nature, the idea that we tend to draw toward us the things that we like, and push away from us the things that we don't like. We need to let go of both of those habits, detach completely from the idea that we can pull good things toward us and push bad things away. Tonglin practice begins with about 10 minutes of meditation to clear the mind of discursive thought, and then when you start, you breathe in anger and aggression and anxiety and stress, and then as you breathe out, you breathe out compassion and love to the world. So that you are consciously bringing into you the thing that you push away, and send out into the world the thing you would grasp and hold onto".

~Taken from: http://www.whitecranejournal.com/wc01065.htm

I am appreciative today of the reminders and tools of these loving kindness and tonglin meditation practices. Tools at my disposal, if I am willing to speak to myself in more compassionate ways. Onward.

Day 31: Blur

2010-05-01T09:39:00.003-05:00

Blur: 1. To make indistinct and hazy in outline or appearance; obscure. 2. To smear or stain; smudge.3. To lessen the perception of; dim: 4. To become indistinct. 5. Something that is hazy, indistinct to the sight or mind.

So much of these past 7 days has been a blur to me - indistinct, obscure, hazy, stained. What's worse, is that this 'blurriness" was a surprise to me. Things that I thought were clear to me, indeed, were not.

I'm ready for a clearer view, on many levels. It's not lost on me that for most of this past week, the clouds have loomed -- the weather matched my experiences throughout the week, and my emotions --- and yet, today, the sun shines bright. I am so grateful and ready for a clearer view and for the intensity of hurt feelings to dissipate. The haze of last week is being replaced with clarity, brighter skies and movement forward, carrying the lessons learned solidly in my pocket.

Later today, I'll bring myself back to the gift of the mandala-making process. Renew. Anew. Clarity.

Day 30:Protection

2010-04-30T21:01:00.002-05:00

Protection: 1. the act of protecting or the state of being protected; preservation from injury or harm.

At the end of a hard week, this previously created mandala seems like perfect "protection" to me -- It looks like the 2 vertical rust colored lines, along with the horizontal line, are bars, or lines keeping the circle safe and apart from some external force. I have felt the need to be emotionally self-protective this week, and appreciate the secure feeling this image provides.

I'm grateful that I had a few mandalas in my back pocket throughout these last few days so that I could continue to reflect and blog briefly through the storm of my week. Even simply enjoying the view of the mandala, (without the time to create a mandala) it has been a healing and reflective tool for me. I look forward to a more emotionally peaceful weekend, when I can actually get back to the process of mandala-making and the give myself the gift and quiet energy of self-compassion.

Upcoming Workshop: Think In Possibilities & FullThought Join Forces!

2010-04-29T20:56:00.001-05:00

Day 29: Labyrinth

2010-04-29T05:48:00.000-05:00

Labyrinth: 1. An intricate structure of interconnecting passages through which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze. 2. Something highly intricate or convoluted in character, composition, or construction.

I love this mandala....(again, tonight due to a long day, and other tasks that needed my attention, I didn't actually create a new mandala today). I'm using a mandala that I did on another day in the last month, but amazing, how perfect this choice is for me again.

I'm walking a labryinth right now at work, trying to find my way. It requires what feels like intricate steps, sometimes convoluted, and it feels difficult to find my way. I'm ending many things, and yet, at the same time, I already have to be planning for next year. The collision of these two realities is a challenge - how to stay present in this moment, while being as prepared as possible for the future. As I look more closely at this mandala, it makes me chuckle. There is no way in, and there is no way out. Hmmmmm. Ironic. I guess I'll just keep walking, and trust the path.

Day 28: Crystallize

2010-04-28T06:44:00.000-05:00

Crystallize: 1. cause to take on a definite and clear shape; 2. clear: clear up 3. make clear, free from confusion or ambiguity.

I went to Wet Paint the other day and I bought several sweet packets of children's stencils for my mandala project. Tonight, as I looked through the booklets, this one jumped out at me immediately -- I liked the distinct shapes within the circle. It suited how this week has unfolded for me, with many things becoming clear, less ambiguous. This mandala looks like a puzzle that is coming together, many parts, making their ways to wholeness. My life, again. A puzzle, becoming whole.

Day 27: Heal

2010-04-27T20:04:00.001-05:00

Heal: 1. To restore to health; 2. To set right; repair: 3. To restore to spiritual wholeness. 4. To become whole and sound; return to health.

I must admit that is is the 2nd day since March 30th that I didn't do a mandala. This mandala, in fact, was done on a day in the last month that I actually created two. I am posting it today, so as to not have to miss a blog post - a perfect filler, reflecting the focus of my life -- healing, finding my way to wholeness. A life-long journey, I know.

The circle of life, moving through ups and downs, going round and round, working to understand and be my authentic self, to become visible in the best ways, to live and express my true-self. I am working to be fully conscious, of more than the surface -- of myself, of life, of others.

"The ultimate aim of the practices such as yoga, meditation and mandala-making is self-realization - the recovery of one's authentic Self...synonymous with the mystical experiential knowing and remembering in mind, body and soul that we are one with God. (Judith Cornell, Mandala: Luminous Symbols for Healing)

This work of healing makes me tired, sometimes. I find myself sometimes wishing for an escape valve (which used to come in the form of alcohol or food) -- but now, without these choices, the pain (in the form of grief, or anger, or sadness, or depression or anxiety or fear) is more palpable, more real. In these moments, these days, I return to the mandala, or to yoga, or to a good hard workout with my trainer, Tim. In other moments, I return to the good old fashioned cry in the arms of my partner. Through these challenges, I remind myself -- I Re- Member -- that it is worth it -- the healing process, that is. For through this healing, by re-joining myself, and "re-membering" those parts of me that are broken, that I am becoming more and more fully, myself. The mandala helps me forge a new relationship with myself, all of the parts of me, without judgement. The mandala helps me to remember, to re-join and let myself be embraced by God.

Day 26: Perspective

2010-04-26T05:47:00.000-05:00

Perspective: 1. a way of regarding situations, facts& judging their relative importance 2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it objectivity;

3. the appearance of objects, buildings, etc., relative to each other, as determined by their distance from the viewer, or the effects of this distance on their appearance

4. a view over some distance in space or time; vista; prospect

I am working on keeping perspective -- on understanding my own, and honoring it, even when I hate how my world view, my perspective, and my emotions have been shaped, often by painful life experiences. I'm also working on holding space for other's perspectives as well. Not always easy, and yet, I know, essential. How does one take care of one's spirit and the very wounds that create our perspective in the first place? How do we walk in this life while not expecting others to fully comprehend our experience, our view, our perspective? The hurt, after all, is the result of our expectations -- letting go of the expectations is the ticket, I think. Easier said than done.

Day 25: Ouch

2010-04-25T07:17:00.000-05:00

Ouch: 1. Used to express sudden pain or displeasure; 2. an exclamation of sharp sudden pain

There was a sharp emotional pain this week for me, and this seemed the visual expression of it. My heart felt upside down, confused.

I like how this visual shows my heart, although upside down, still yet, contained, protected. In challenging friendships or collegial moments, where many heart-hurts occur, this symbolic safety circle is a haven. The Mandala, these days, is my safe haven. A reminder that I always have a "place" and I am enveloped by a bigger love than I seek and/or sometimes receive, in the tangible world.

Day 24: Clarity

2010-04-24T07:15:00.001-05:00

Clarity: 1. the quality or state of being clear, lucidity 2. clearness as to perception or understanding; freedom from ambiguity.

This was the first time that I created a mandala by having chosen the word on which I wanted to focus first, before I picked up the pencils. Usually, I color, and let the word come later in the process. Interesting.

I've been grappling with some things, some decisions on which to act or not to act - it has felt muddy for me. So, as I approached this mandala, gray and black seemed the right colors.

I google searched "symbols for clarity" and found the two images (roughly) that I inserted into my mandala. One, in the left quadrant, is the chinese symbol, the other, some reference to clarity in the symbolism of magic. As I colored, I grappled, still, with many things, many ideas.

Ironically, I always name the mandala under, and to the left, with the stenciled word. I date the mandala along the right side. However, lacking clarity, by mistake, I dated it along the left side. I had turned the mandala the opposite direction as I stenciled the date. Oh well. Finally, when I took the picture of the mandala for uploading to my blog, I inadvertently and without realizing until I had uploaded the image, cut off the word "clarity". Perfect, I guess, as I am still unclear. The mandala project, once again, has captured me, and my process.

Day 23: Connection

2010-04-23T06:40:00.000-05:00

Connection: 1. the act or state of connecting; 2. something that connects, joins, or relates;a link or bond; 3. relationship or association; 4. logical sequence in thought or expression; 5. the relation of a word or phrase to its context; 6. the association or process of bringing ideas or events together in memory or imagination; 7. a connecting shape

As I made this mandala, I was thinking about my connection to my partner, Marilou. She has been out of town a lot lately, for family stuff, and/or for work. Still yet, I feel a connection with her, despite the distance. I'm lucky to have her in my life. I'm lucky to have found someone with whom I share a deep bond.

Day 22: Contemplation

2010-04-22T06:44:00.000-05:00

Contemplation: 1. Thoughtful observation or study.

2. Meditation on spiritual matters, especially as a form of devotion. 3. Intention or expectation.

This mandala is one of my favorites in terms of structure or style - simple, repetitive, concentric circles. There is something mesmerizing about this process for me. I like the color choice here too, and it makes me wonder why.

I'm looking forward to my summer of independent and home-made study about color, about symbolism and about mandalas. It's hard for me right now to stay focussed on work. My mind has moved forward to summer, to this continued Mandala a Day project, and all there is to be learned via the experience.

Day 21: Thought

2010-04-21T07:07:00.000-05:00

Thought: 1. a concept or idea 2. the act or process of thinking, reflection, deliberation; 3. philosophical or intellectual ideas typical of a particular time or place; 4. mental attention, consideration; 5. purpose or intention; 6. expectation.

Yesterday, the ever-present therapist helped me re-frame some of my negative thoughts that have consumed me lately - - some thoughts that I'd rather not have, some thoughts that get in my way of peaceful days. She said something to this effect: "They're just thoughts - we have a million thoughts a day, but you don't have to give each and all of them the attention they demand".

This was so useful to me. It offered me an immediate shift, an escape route where it has felt like there was none. It's just a thought. Move on.

Day 20: Order

2010-04-20T06:46:00.000-05:00

Order: 1. A condition of logical or comprehensible arrangement among the separate elements of a group.

2. A condition or state of methodical, prescribed arrangement among component parts such that proper functioning or appearance is achieved; 3. a. The established system of social organization: b. A condition in which freedom from disorder or disruption is maintained through respect for established authority; 4. A sequence or arrangement of successive things; 5. The prescribed form or customary procedure.

As the end of the school year approaches, and we work to complete our final three Enrichment programs, and our special Jackson Elementary project, I am obsessed with the details -- keeping things moving, planning the details, providing order. This mandala is my representation of trying to feel "internal order" as we execute all that is needed to create external order.

Tick Tock -- One month from today, and all of these events will be DONE! Wish us luck.

Day 19: Ideas Flow

2010-04-19T06:36:00.002-05:00

Ideas: 1. Something, such as a thought or conception, that potentially or actually exists in the mind as a product of mental activity. 2. A plan, scheme, or method.

Flow: 1. To move or run smoothly with unbroken continuity, as in the manner characteristic of a fluid; 2. To issue in a stream; pour forth; 3. To circulate, as the blood in the body; 4. To move with a continual shifting of the component particles; 5. To proceed steadily and easily; 6. To exhibit a smooth or graceful continuity.

I made this mandala after spending a totally enjoyable and leisurely amount of time with my friend, Laura, with whom I am going to create 4-session group offering beginning in May. We were meeting to catch up and to begin planning for our workshop. The general topic will be about Leadership. The group experience will be a blend of her work in Full Thought, and my work with Think In Possibilities.

As we sat on my patio, planning, our ideas just flowed. We were both clicking with our own ideas, and it was so fun to feel how connected our visions are, and to see how our ideas generated exciting new ideas between us. There was an energy that was so fluid, so exciting, so right. I am really excited to put this workshop together (and I'll keep you posted when we are ready to advertise!).

Day 18: Letting Go

2010-04-18T08:58:00.001-05:00

Letting Go: 1. To cease to employ; dismiss; 2. Allowing things to exist as if they were in the palm of your hand.

Aum: (OM) n. Hinduism & Buddhism -
The supreme and most sacred syllable, consisting in Sanskrit of the three sounds (a), (u), and (m), representing various fundamental triads and believed to be the spoken essence of the universe. It is uttered as a mantra and in affirmations and blessings.

I created this mandala as I was working to let go of all of the "planning and preparing mind" I had been in all week, getting ready to present at a workshop on Friday. My mind was still spinning with the details of the workshop, and frankly, with the judgement about how well I did (or didn't do) in delivering my material.

The making of this mandala was my chance to pro-actively let go of what was done and over with, to release my mind from the details of the workshop and to bless and affirm my effort. The symbol in the center of the circle is defined above.

Day 17: Sacred Circle

2010-04-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

Sacred: 1. Made or declared holy; 2. Dedicated or devoted exclusively to a single use, purpose, or person;

3. Worthy of respect; venerable.

Circle: 1. A group of people sharing an interest, activity, or achievement.

I created this mandala as I was preparing to make a presentation at a Group Work institute for social workers at St. Kates.

“Everyone in the circle is equal… No one’s voice is more important than anyone else’s… Everyone in the circle is a teacher… Everyone in the circle is a student… Everyone has his or her turn to speak… When one is speaking, all others listen… The circle is sacred and special.”

This is a statement (from the San Francisco's Writer's Corps), that we use at The Lab in our youth writing circles, called The Poetry Lab. Read more about The Poetry Lab here:

I have always loved the messages in this simple and straight forward statement.

Day 16: Summer

2010-04-16T06:20:00.001-05:00

Day 15: Imagine

2010-04-15T07:17:00.001-05:00

Imagine: 1. To form a mental picture or image of something; 2. To think; conjecture; 3. To have a notion of or about something

I am forming a mental picture of summer....it's all I can think about. Imagine! Summer has already begun here in St. Paul. Since March 27th, it has been generally 50 - 70 degrees already every day!

I am imagining how my days will unfold when school lets out. Breakfast on the patio. The morning paper. A mandala a day project, completed outside daily on my patio. (My patio is my haven, my little slice of heaven). The 3 big dogs will be lounging, from shady spots to sunny spots and back again. I am imagining where the potted flower pots will be, and what will be in them (my version of gardening). I'm imagining hearing the loud neighborhood cardinal, sing his song.

I'm imagining my exercise freedom, working out with my trainer, Tim; Yoga as daily as possible; walks with the dogs; lifting weights and riding my bike. I'm imagining good and healthy food, that somehow, is easier in the summer to consume.

I'm imagining summer fun, up at the lake, for 10 days in June, for some days in July, and for a week in August. I'm imagining the new red sit-up-on orange kayak that I'm going to buy for up north. I'm imagining our trip to Bimini in the Bahamas, swimming with the dolphins! Summer. I'm imagining.

Day 14: Spinning

2010-04-14T06:27:00.000-05:00

Spinning: 1. revolving quickly and repeatedly around one's own axis; 2. making up a story; 3. a swift whirling motion 4. spin - the act of rotating rapidly.

Indeed, my head was spinning as I sat down to create this mandala. Work, Work, Work.....To do....To do.... To do....lists rolling through my mind. I am trying to get many puzzle pieces and logistics to fit together at The Lab for spring, and today, I felt as though I was moving through my day fighting centrifugal force. A dozen things to do, calls to make, emails to send, calendars to plan etc...

The mandala and the mandala-making process brings me back, centers me. Even for the 20 minutes I spent creating this, my mind slowed, and became less scattered with the tasks on my list. Instead, my thoughts became stream-lined, manageable. Certainly, I love the "spin" the mandala allows me to put on my life.

Day 13: Coming into Her Own

2010-04-13T06:24:00.000-05:00

Coming into her Own: 1. To get possession of what belongs to one. 2. To obtain rightful recognition or prosperity

As I worked on this mandala, I liked how I placed the butterfly at the bottom of the mandala, with a clear direction upward. I played with the muted color around the edge of the circle, placing brighter colors within the butterfly. I wanted to convey that this butterfly was going somewhere, directionally, and growing into something, with its own emerging color. I, again, was thinking about work, my job at The Lab (www.thelabspps.com).

I live my life (and maybe many of us do), in increments. Always, seemingly, planning to move through a given season, or stage, or period of time. Especially as a school employee, I see the world in semesters, or holidays, or summer vacation. The beauty of this work/rhythm is that I have the luxury to have many opportunities to end and begin again. Over and over again, I get a chance to grow into myself, in my work, into my leadership role, and into my vision. I get a chance to spread my wings in new ways, seeing how I can challenge my own boundaries about who I am, and who and how I want to be in my job, who I want to be as a leader.

This butterfly (aka, ME!) is in a spring season, ending a semester, and is growing into the most joyful season of summer. I feel my color coming back, and the weight of worry and muted colors dissipating, making room for the bright, light, colorful time of freedom. SUMMER!

Day 12: Reach

2010-04-12T06:28:00.000-05:00

Reach: 1. To stretch out or put forth; to extend; 2. To touch or grasp by stretching out/extending; 3. To arrive at; to attain 4 a. To succeed in getting in contact with b. To succeed, having an effect on.

I loved making this mandala. I experimented with a low level of pointillism, eventually merging the green and purple dots from below, into one area above.

I feel like I am reaching right now (likely always) to move through to the next thing on my work plate. Now, I'm reaching for spring, for May 20th, when all of our student services will be done for the school year. Simultaneous to this "end of the school year work reality", of course, is reaching for spring, for summer, for time off, for vacation.

I like the contained feeling of this mandala, holding steady the last push, the last reach toward the end of the school year. It feels do-able, possible, and within reach.

Day 11: Uncertain

2010-04-11T09:19:00.001-05:00

Uncertain: 1. lacking or indicating lack of confidence or assurance; "uncertain of her convictions"; "unsure of herself and her future"; 2. not established beyond doubt; still undecided or unknown; "an uncertain future"; "a manuscript of uncertain origin"; 3. changeable: subject to change; "a changeable climate";

As I worked on this mandala, I fell quickly in love with the frame I created, first with the violet circle, then, the red tips that circled around the outside edge. It looked so satisfying to me, so solid, so crisp. For the first time, I experimented with a bit of shading and gradation in the red. I liked it.

But, immediately, I was paralyzed as to how to move forward. "What next? Could I leave it as is, so plain, and without color within the circle?" I was definitely un-certain. I didn't want to wreck what felt so good to me. I didn't want to risk screwing it up. At the same time, I felt compelled to add more color. I believed that somehow, it was more important to complete the inside of the circle, either with shapes or color, than to leave it so pristine and white in the center. I proceeded, and immediately regretted it. I don't like this outcome, but I can live with it.

This whole thing is an experiment. I have done very little reading about Mandalas so far, as I have not had a ton of free time to really start studying. I know there aren't any "right" answers, per se. But, I'm guessing there are some decent guidelines that I could benefit from knowing. I'm anxious to learn about color, their meaning, and how pairing colors has a certain effect. I'm excited to explore the many symbols and symbolism within the world of mandalas. But, at this point, I remain uncertain about how to proceed in this world of mandalas. But, still, I step forward and risk making a mistake (or at least an aesthetic mistake in my view). Still, I proceed. The risk of NOT proceeding is its own loss. Onward.

Day 10: Focus

2010-04-10T06:22:00.000-05:00

Focus: 1. the point where rays of light, heat or waves of sound come together, or from which they spread; 2. an adjustment of the focal length to make a clear image; 3. to bring a camera into focus 4. any center of activity/attention.

My focus these days, of course, is this mandala project. I like how having this project rules out a lot of extraneous worry, thoughts, tasks, anxiety. While I'm focused on doing a mandala a day, it gives me a good reason to set other things aside for a bit -- other things like work, mostly, that can absorb too much of my non-work life & mind. Or other things like, TV, or websurfing, or Facebook frenzy. Time spent. Exactly. Just spent. While my focus has shifted to this mandala a day project, my attention has gone internal, and I have become less distracted by those external things that hold less real value. The process of making each mandala allows my mind to let go of other things, and rest. Thanks, Mandalas!

Day 9: Sleepy

2010-04-09T07:22:00.001-05:00

Sleepy: 1. A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close & consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming. 2. A period of this form of rest. 3. A state of inactivity resembling or suggesting sleep; unconsciousness, dormancy, hibernation

That definition cracks me up. Quite a serious effort to explain what it means to be sleepy, eh? I don't have much more to say, other than I was very sleepy as I created this mandala. Sleepy, but committed and determined to create a mandala, even when I just wanted to go to bed. Mandala, Day 9 - Mission accomplished.