Day 37: Freedom

Freedom: 1. The condition of being free of restraints;2. Liberty of the person from oppression; 3. Independence. 4. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition; 5. The capacity to exercise choice, free will: 6. Ease or facility of movement;  7. Frankness or boldness; lack of modesty or reserve;  8. The right to unrestricted use; full access; 9. A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference.

Freedom is the word I feel today, and this mandala represents this emotion.   I feel the restraints and restrictions lifting, and the freedom of summer and new beginnings approaching. Many doors are opening, and I feel an increased ease and ability to move in this world as I am intended to, without interference.  Freedom.  

Day 36: Design

Design:  1. To conceive or fashion in the mind; invent, or to formulate a plan for; devise; 2. To plan out in systematic, graphic form; 3. To create or contrive for a particular purpose or effect; 4. To have as a goal/purpose; 5. To create or execute in an artistic or highly skilled manner. 6.  To make or execute plans. 7. To have a purpose in mind.


I treated myself to some new mandala children's toys.  Fun design option!  Here's a quick mandala that I made last night.  I like the reminder of these new design options in my mandala process that I am in charge of designing my life -- sometimes, I forget, as it feels out of my control.  But indeed, there are many choices I can make about how my life unfolds.  Onward.  

Day 35: Experiment

Experiment:  1. A test under controlled conditions made to demonstrate a known truth, examine the validity of a hypothesis, or determine the efficacy of something previously untried. 2. An innovative act 3. To try something new, especially in order to gain experience.

I definitely enjoyed this new experiment....making mandalas on black paper.  It's a whole different feel.  I'm anxious to spend time this summer learning how to create shades of light with white pencil on black paper - shades of light, shades of life.  I liked the statement/definition, "An Innovative Act" -- Life can be that, if I let it. 

Day 34: Fresh

Fresh:  1. New to one's experience; not encountered before. 2. Novel; different;  3. Recently made, produced;  4. Not yet used or soiled; clean; 5. Free from impurity, pollution; pure;  6. Additional; new;  7. Bright and clear; not dull or faded;  8. Having the glowing, unspoiled appearance of youth;  9. Untried; inexperienced;  10. Having just arrived; 11. Revived, reinvigorated.


I can tell I am reaching for the mandala-making process as a way to move forward, push through, to a new beginning...a fresh start.  These colors are definitely a reflection of "fresh" to me --  Bright, lit up, a delicious slice of citrus at the beginning of my day.  


Tomorrow, I will post a picture of the new and fresh approach to the mandala process into which I have just stepped -- using black paper, and white colored pencil and pastels -- I'm excited for a fresh view.  In these last 30+ days, I have only used white paper.  As of last night, I have stepped fresh into a new mandala game -  using white pencil on black paper --  Fun. Fresh. Pure.  Free from any preconceived notions.  Novel.  New to my experience.  The time is right, for sure. Revived.  Reinvigorated. Fresh. 

Day 33: Open

Open: 1. not brought to a conclusion; subject to further thought; 2. affording unobstructed entrance and exit; not shut or closed


This mandala is my effort to shift from a closed, protected place, to one that is more open and trusting.  My hope is to walk into this week with some openness to what might unfold, instead of carrying a belief, or pre-conceived, expectation or pre-determined view that the internal struggle from last week will continue into this week.  


I like how this mandala has very little color.  Mostly just open spaces, shapes.  I want to be open to the possibilities of letting go, the possibilities of shifting my emotions.  I am not stagnant.  Nothing stays the same.  Thank goodness. 

Day 32: Puzzle & Taking Hold

                                                   

Puzzle : 1. To baffle or confuse mentally by presenting a problem or being difficult 2. To clarify or solve something confusing by reasoning or study  3. To be perplexed 4. To ponder over a problem in an effort to solve or understand it 5. The condition of being perplexed; bewilderment.

Taking Hold: 1. To seize, to grasp 2. To understand, to establish, to commit. 

I sat down to make a mandala last night, but I ended up making two. Here they are. The first image reflects the puzzle of my emotions this past week. Sharp edges, intrusive thoughts.

The second, reflects my desire and commitment to move forward, to take hold, to proactively accept myself as I am.  This is the challenge, always, for me.  Self-compassion.  

I went to a workshop on Friday about self-care for social workers.  We got to experience various tools for self care, including: qi gong, song, loving kindness mediation, and a specific meditation called Tonglin.  

"Tonglin" practice is an amazingly simple example of how to practice letting go. It starts with basic human nature, the idea that we tend to draw toward us the things that we like, and push away from us the things that we don't like. We need to let go of both of those habits, detach completely from the idea that we can pull good things toward us and push bad things away. Tonglin practice begins with about 10 minutes of meditation to clear the mind of discursive thought, and then when you start, you breathe in anger and aggression and anxiety and stress, and then as you breathe out, you breathe out compassion and love to the world. So that you are consciously bringing into you the thing that you push away, and send out into the world the thing you would grasp and hold onto".  

                   ~Taken from:  http://www.whitecranejournal.com/wc01065.htm

I am appreciative today of the reminders and tools of these loving kindness and tonglin meditation practices.  Tools at my disposal, if I am willing to speak to myself in more compassionate ways. Onward. 

Day 31: Blur

Blur:  1. To make indistinct and hazy in outline or appearance; obscure. 2. To smear or stain; smudge.3. To lessen the perception of; dim: 4.  To become indistinct. 5. Something that is hazy, indistinct to the sight or mind.


So much of these past 7 days has been a blur to me - indistinct, obscure, hazy, stained.  What's worse, is that this 'blurriness" was a surprise to me.  Things that I thought were clear to me, indeed, were not.

I'm ready for a clearer view, on many levels.  It's not lost on me that for most of this past week, the clouds have loomed -- the weather matched my experiences throughout the week, and my emotions ---  and yet, today, the sun shines bright.  I am so grateful and ready for a clearer view and for the intensity of hurt feelings to dissipate.  The haze of last week is being replaced with clarity, brighter skies and movement forward, carrying the lessons learned solidly in my pocket.

Later today, I'll bring myself back to the gift of the mandala-making process.  Renew. Anew. Clarity.

Day 30:Protection

Protection:  1. the act of protecting or the state of being protected; preservation from injury or harm.


At the end of a hard week, this previously created mandala seems like perfect "protection" to me -- It looks like the 2 vertical rust colored lines, along with the horizontal line, are bars, or lines keeping the circle safe and apart from some external force.  I have felt the need to be emotionally self-protective this week, and appreciate the secure feeling this image provides.  


I'm grateful that I had a few mandalas in my back pocket throughout these last few days so that I could continue to reflect and blog briefly through the storm of my week.  Even simply enjoying the view of the mandala, (without the time to create a mandala) it has been a healing and reflective tool for me.  I look forward to a more emotionally peaceful weekend, when I can actually get back to the process of mandala-making and the give myself the gift and quiet energy of self-compassion. 

Upcoming Workshop: Think In Possibilities & FullThought Join Forces!

Day 29: Labyrinth

Labyrinth: 1. An intricate structure of interconnecting passages through which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze. 2. Something highly intricate or convoluted in character, composition, or construction.


I love this mandala....(again, tonight due to a long day, and other tasks that needed my attention, I didn't actually create a new mandala today).  I'm using a mandala that I did on another day in the last month, but amazing, how perfect this choice is for me again.  


I'm walking a labryinth right now at work, trying to find my way.  It requires what feels like intricate steps, sometimes convoluted, and it feels difficult to find my way.  I'm ending many things, and yet, at the same time, I already have to be planning for next year.  The collision of these two realities is a challenge - how to stay present in this moment, while being as prepared as possible for the future. As I look more closely at this mandala, it makes me chuckle. There is no way in, and there is no way out.  Hmmmmm.   Ironic. I guess I'll just keep walking, and trust the path.   

Day 28: Crystallize

Crystallize:  1. cause to take on a definite and clear shape; 2. clear: clear up  3. make clear, free from confusion or ambiguity.


I went to Wet Paint the other day and I bought several sweet packets of children's stencils for my mandala project.  Tonight, as I looked through the booklets, this one jumped out at me immediately -- I liked the distinct shapes within the circle.  It suited how this week has unfolded for me, with many things becoming clear, less ambiguous.  This mandala looks like a puzzle that is coming together, many parts, making their ways to wholeness.  My life, again.  A puzzle, becoming whole. 

Day 27: Heal

Heal: 1. To restore to health;  2. To set right; repair: 3. To restore to spiritual wholeness. 4. To become whole and sound; return to health.

I must admit that is is the 2nd day since March 30th that I didn't do a mandala.  This mandala, in fact, was done on a day in the last month that I actually created two.  I am posting it today, so as to not have to miss a blog post - a perfect filler, reflecting the focus of my life -- healing, finding my way to wholeness.  A life-long journey, I know. 

The circle of life, moving through ups and downs, going round and round, working to understand and be my authentic self, to become visible in the best ways, to live and express my true-self.  I am working to be fully conscious, of more than the surface -- of myself, of life, of others.  

"The ultimate aim of the practices such as yoga, meditation and mandala-making is self-realization - the recovery of one's authentic Self...synonymous with the mystical experiential knowing and remembering in mind, body and soul that we are one with God. (Judith Cornell, Mandala: Luminous Symbols for Healing)

This work of healing makes me tired, sometimes.  I find myself sometimes wishing for an escape valve (which used to come in the form of alcohol or food) -- but now, without these choices, the pain (in the form of grief, or anger, or sadness, or depression or anxiety or fear) is more palpable, more real.  In these moments, these days, I return to the mandala, or to yoga, or to a good hard workout with my trainer, Tim.  In other moments, I return to the good old fashioned cry in the arms of my partner.  Through these challenges, I remind myself -- I Re- Member -- that it is worth it -- the healing process, that is. For through this healing, by re-joining myself, and "re-membering" those parts of me that are broken, that I am becoming more and more fully, myself.  The mandala helps me forge a new relationship with myself, all of the parts of me, without judgement. The mandala helps me to remember, to re-join and let myself be embraced by God.

Day 26: Perspective

Perspective: 1. a way of regarding situations, facts& judging their relative importance  2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it objectivity; 

3. the appearance of objects, buildings, etc., relative to each other, as determined by their distance from the viewer, or the effects of this distance on their appearance

4. a view over some distance in space or time; vista; prospect

I am working on keeping perspective  -- on understanding my own, and honoring it, even when I hate how my world view, my perspective, and my emotions have been shaped, often by painful life experiences.  I'm also working on holding space for other's perspectives as well.  Not always easy, and yet, I know, essential.  How does one take care of one's spirit and the very wounds that create our perspective in the first place?  How do we walk in this life while not expecting others to fully comprehend our experience, our view, our perspective?    The hurt, after all, is the result of our expectations -- letting go of the expectations is the ticket, I think.  Easier said than done.  

Day 25: Ouch

Ouch:  1. Used to express sudden pain or displeasure; 2. an exclamation of sharp sudden pain


There was a sharp emotional pain this week for me, and this seemed the visual expression of it. My heart felt upside down, confused.  


I like how this visual shows my heart, although upside down, still yet, contained, protected.  In challenging friendships or collegial moments, where many heart-hurts occur, this symbolic safety circle is a haven. The Mandala, these days, is my safe haven. A reminder that I always have a "place" and I am enveloped by a bigger love than I seek and/or sometimes receive, in the tangible world. 

Day 24: Clarity

Clarity: 1. the quality or state of being clear, lucidity 2. clearness as to perception or understanding; freedom from ambiguity.


This was the first time that I created a mandala by having chosen the word on which I wanted to focus first, before I picked up the pencils.  Usually, I color, and let the word come later in the process. Interesting. 


I've been grappling with some things, some decisions on which to act or not to act - it has felt muddy for me.  So, as I approached this mandala, gray and black seemed the right colors. 


I google searched "symbols for clarity" and found the two images (roughly) that I inserted into my mandala.  One, in the left quadrant, is the chinese symbol, the other, some reference to clarity in the symbolism of magic. As I colored, I grappled, still, with many things, many ideas.


Ironically, I always name the mandala under, and to the left, with the stenciled word.  I date the mandala along the right side.  However, lacking clarity, by mistake, I dated it along the left side.  I had turned the mandala the opposite direction as I stenciled the date.  Oh well.  Finally, when I took the picture of the mandala for uploading to my blog, I inadvertently and without realizing until I had uploaded the image, cut off the word "clarity".  Perfect, I guess, as I am still unclear.  The mandala project, once again, has captured me, and my process.

Day 23: Connection

Connection: 1. the act or state of connecting; 2. something that connects, joins, or relates;a link or bond; 3. relationship or association; 4. logical sequence in thought or expression; 5. the relation of a word or phrase to its context; 6. the association or process of bringing ideas or events together in memory or imagination; 7. a connecting shape

As I made this mandala, I was thinking about my connection to my partner. Such an important part of my life.

Day 22: Contemplation

Contemplation:  1. Thoughtful observation or study.

2. Meditation on spiritual matters, especially as a form of devotion. 3. Intention or expectation.

This mandala is one of my favorites in terms of structure or style - simple, repetitive, concentric circles.  There is something mesmerizing about this process for me.  I like the color choice here too, and it makes me wonder why.

I'm looking forward to my summer of independent and home-made study about color, about symbolism and about mandalas.  It's hard for me right now to stay focussed on work.   My mind has moved forward to summer, to this continued Mandala a Day project, and all there is to be learned via the experience.  

Day 21: Thought

Thought: 1. a concept or idea 2. the act or process of thinking, reflection, deliberation; 3. philosophical or intellectual ideas typical of a particular time or place; 4. mental attention, consideration; 5. purpose or intention; 6. expectation.


Yesterday, the ever-present therapist helped me re-frame some of my negative thoughts that have consumed me lately - - some thoughts that I'd rather not have, some thoughts that get in my way of peaceful days.  She said something to this effect: "They're just thoughts - we have a million thoughts a day, but you don't have to give each and all of them the attention they demand". 


This was so useful to me.  It offered me an immediate shift, an escape route where it has felt like there was none.  It's just a thought.  Move on.  

Day 20: Order

Order:  1. A condition of logical or comprehensible arrangement among the separate elements of a group.

2. A condition or state of methodical, prescribed arrangement among component parts such that proper functioning or appearance is achieved; 3. a. The established system of social organization:  b. A condition in which freedom from disorder or disruption is maintained through respect for established authority;  4. A sequence or arrangement of successive things; 5. The prescribed form or customary procedure.

As the end of the school year approaches, and we work to complete our final three Enrichment programs, and our special Jackson Elementary project, I am obsessed with the details -- keeping things moving, planning the details, providing order.  This mandala is my representation of trying to feel "internal order" as we execute all that is needed to create external order.  

Tick Tock -- One month from today, and all of these events will be DONE!  Wish us luck.  

Day 19: Ideas Flow

Ideas: 1. Something, such as a thought or conception, that potentially or actually exists in the mind as a product of mental activity. 2.  A plan, scheme, or method.

Flow: 1. To move or run smoothly with unbroken continuity, as in the manner characteristic of a fluid; 2. To issue in a stream; pour forth; 3. To circulate, as the blood in the body; 4. To move with a continual shifting of the component particles; 5. To proceed steadily and easily; 6. To exhibit a smooth or graceful continuity.

I made this mandala after spending a totally enjoyable and leisurely amount of time with my friend, Laura, with whom I am going to create 4-session group offering beginning in May.  We were meeting to catch up and to begin planning for our workshop.  The general topic will be about Leadership.  The group experience will be a blend of her work in Full Thought, and my work with Think In Possibilities.

As we sat on my patio, planning, our ideas just flowed.  We were both clicking with our own ideas, and it was so fun to feel how connected our visions are, and to see how our ideas generated exciting new ideas between us.  There was an energy that was so fluid, so exciting, so right.  I am really excited to put this workshop together (and I'll keep you posted when we are ready to advertise!).