Day 61: Many Petals

Many: 1. Being one of a large indefinite number; numerous;  2. Amounting to or consisting of a large indefinite number; 3. A large indefinite number;  4. The majority of the people; the masses;  A large number of persons or things: 

Petals: 1. One of the often brightly colored parts of a flower surrounding the reproductive organs. Petals are attached to the receptacle underneath the carpels and stamens and may be separate or joined at their bases. As a group, the petals are called the corolla.

Today, I borrowed this "natural mandala" from photo of our potted flowers.  I like each of the sweet pink petals, and that they are clustering, integrating, supporting, surrounding one another.  Given that I just had some surgery involving removing an ovarian cyst, the definition of Petals cracks me up - colored parts of a flower surrounding the reproductive organs!   

I am thinking about how lately, I'm struggling to stay integrated, struggling to find my place within the masses.  It seems easier to me lately, to separate myself from the masses, and go solo.  As I see the beauty of this flower, however, I am reminded of what is possible if I remain connected.  This mandala is a reminder of that worth. 


*Hopefully, soon (tomorrow?) I will be back on track, creating my own mandalas.

Day 60: Scar

Scar:   1. A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed. 2. A lingering sign of damage or injury, either mental or physical; 3. A mark, such as a dent, resulting from use or contact. 4. To leave lasting signs of damage on.


After this recent surgery (my first and only surgery since I was a little girl with a broken thumb), I have acquired 3 more scars.  Laparoscopic surgery left a trail of three short lines on my belly.  Reminders, lasting signs of the healing taking place after the surgical repair of my insides.  


It's funny to me that since I have only had surgery one time so long ago in childhood, I haven't thought much of my life's physical scars.  I usually am thinking in terms of emotional scars.  These, I have plenty of.  There is something interesting about the physical form of scars. There is something oddly comforting to me about the physical nature of scars -- they are tangible, concrete, real, indisputable.  Emotional scars, sadly, less so.  This mandala, with its red and black sharp edges, is a tangible honoring of my internal and emotional scars, acknowledging the truth of their existence.  I see you. 

Day 59: Recouperating

Recuperating:  1. To return to health or strength; recover. 2. To restore to health or strength. 3. To regain.


I love this photo of a gerbera daisy in our backyard flower pots.  Today, it is a placeholder, real-life mandala from nature, holding space for my mandala-making art process until I have the energy to make my own.  


Today, it is a Law and Order marathon, resting horizontal -- the most comfortable position as I recuperate and heal my belly.  A few more days, and I'll regain my health and strength.  (the clouds are helping me feel like I'm not missing out on summer fun!)

Day 58: Healing

Healing:  1.  the natural process by which the body repairs itself  2. curative: tending to cure or restore to health.


Usually, I find myself in this mandala-making process thinking about healing my heart, my emotions, my emotional world, or the hurts collected along the way in life.


But today, I am recovering from laparoscopic surgery, and it is my body that is on my mind.  My body is trying to heal itself.  Moving about, trying to roll over in bed, or get up out of a chair is challenging,  Ouch!


Here is a sweet mandala with some healing colors and a gentle pattern.  To me, it looks like a person in the center, surrounded by the energy of many moons holding space and the healing energy for me.    


I'm grateful to have some leisurely weekend time to rest, and grateful for receiving the sweet care of my partner.  

Day 57: Acceptance

Acceptance: (for a missed day): 1.  credence: the mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true; .2. adoption: the act of accepting with approval; favorable reception;  3. the state of being acceptable and accepted.


This is a sweet little rock pattern I made one time, but I don't remember where I was when I did it.  It might have been in Portland, when I was visiting my friend Diana a few  years ago.  I think we had been on a walk on Cannon Beach, or maybe it was after a hike on Mt. Hood.  Can't remember where I was -- but remember loving making this sweet little circle of stones.  


Yesterday, I missed my first mandala/blog entry since I began in late March.  It was a full and busy day, no stopping from 7:30am - 10:30pm.  Today, I will have minor surgery, and don't know how groggy I'll be later, so who knows -- I might have to miss a second blogging/mandala day.  Acceptance.  It is just how it goes sometimes, despite my best desire and effort to create a consistent and regular daily spiritual practice,such as this Mandala A Day Project.  Acceptance.  I will begin again  Just like in life.  Always a beginner. 

Day 56: Entrance

Entrance:  1.  something that provides access  2. to capture, attract; cause to be enamored;  3.  a movement into or inward  4. put into a trance  5. the act of entering.


While I'm not thrilled with this mandala's design, I am appreciating the word that came to me as I was creating it - Entrance.  I love this word for the feeling it gives me of being welcomed, or the feeling of having potential, hope to go somewhere.  I feel like I am on a journey, although I don't always know to where.  There are days when I don't know how to really enter into that which is most important, and instead, I get caught up in the small stuff, as they say.  


I love the definition of number 3 above, "a movement into or inward".   This is where I want to go - to enter my internal world, a place where, when I can quiet my mind enough, I  see and can honor my authentic self, again.


I also appreciate the definition of number 4 - to put into a trance.  Again, I am striving to quiet my mind, trance-like, to let go of the extraneous, to attend to the excitement of the journey inward.  This mandala-making process is something that provides me access, entrance to myself.   

Day 55: Fleeting Thoughts

Fleeting:  1. lasting for a markedly brief time 2. passing quickly.

Thoughts: 1. mental forms and processes  2.  the process of using your mind to consider something carefully.


I like this funky mandala, with the ink-pressed patterns of leaves, floating across the circles.  (Thanks, Carol, for bringing the new thought of ink stamps to my mandala project!) These leaves sweep across the page, like thoughts that sweep across and through my mind each day.  I'm reminded of the beautiful statement (when times are tough) that nothing lasts - it's all fleeting.  What a relief.  This idea, of course, is not so readily accepted when we want to hold onto the good times, and we want them to last.  


I'm working hard to let the whole experience of this life, the thoughts that roll through at any given moment, be simply fleeting - to let it pass through with ease, like the lightness of feather-like leaves inked across this mandala.

Day 54: Moonstone Mandala - The First Day Off Since I Began

Moonstone Mandala:  

Today, I did not have time to create a mandala.  It's an exercise of being ok with this fact, that after 53 days, I have a gap in my mandala-making routine -- a reminder not to beat myself up over this fact.  I will get back to it tomorrow.  An exercise in self-compassion and encouragement, instead of self-criticism.

Tonight, I am "cheating" by posting an image I found, after revisiting a beautiful Mandala blog I discovered at the beginning of this project.  The link is:  http://moonstonemandala.com/?p=27.


I love this idea of painting mandalas on stones.  I think I will do this in the summer.

It was a busy day, and I continue to long for more leisurely days, spent in the creative process of mandala-making, african drumming, guitar playing, and reading The Sun, my favorite magazine.

Day 53: Balance=Peace

Balance: 1. a state of equilibrium 2. equality between the totals of the credit and debit sides of an account 3. proportion: harmonious arrangement or relation of parts or elements within a whole (as in a design); 4. equality of distribution 5. remainder: something left after other parts have been taken away; 6. counterweight: a weight that balances another weight


Peace: 1. the state prevailing during the absence of war 2. harmonious relations; freedom from disputes; 3. the absence of mental stress or anxiety 4. the general security of public places.


Today, my mind raced, with not much balance or peace.  My thoughts  were leaning toward and giving too much attention to one single aspect of life - work.  The task list is growing shorter as the year comes to a close, but still, it weighs.  Today, I wanted mental equilibrium, but couldn't achieve it.  I fought myself on going to yoga for a large chunk of time, or ticking the tasks off my list, so as to be able to start my week with a sense of calm about work.  I chose the latter.  I've hardly been to yoga this month, and I can feel the loss of it in my ability to find my balance, and a sense of peace inside.  After I post this, I will tackle my list, and be sure to go to bed tonight, knowing I will have less to worry about and do when I wake.  It's a fresh week, a chance to begin again.  I will choose Yoga on Wednesday, the only day in the coming 10 days that I can attend.  I will count on my mandala-making process as a key way in which I can find some balance and peace in these next 10 days.  Yoga, I will be back. 

Day 52: Drum - Heart-beat

Drum: 1. a musical percussion instrument; usually consists of a hollow cylinder with a membrane stretched across each end 2.  to make a rhythmic sound. 

Heart-beat: 1. a pulse: the rhythmic contraction and expansion of the arteries with each beat of the heart; 2. blink of an eye: a very short time;  3. an animating or vital unifying force.


As I created this mandala, the thunder outside roared its low rumbling rainstorm-rhythm.  A perfect backdrop for this mandala.  This mandala clearly emerged from my anticipation and excitement I feel about the Introduction to Hand Drumming workshop that I am going to later this afternoon.  Again, the weather is a perfect mirror for this experience.   


I have always wanted to learn to play the drums -- specifically, the sort of drums, often african drums, that you play with your hands.  I know nothing about this except that, just like the experience and process of making mandalas calms me, so does the steady rhythm of the drum.  I have had the chance a few times to beat the african drum with others.  It is a powerful grounding force for me.  I love the very last definition offered above in Heartbeat --  an animating or vital unifying force.  For me, I believe that my life is about integrating all of the life experiences and various parts of myself, into one whole and authentic being, coming to a place of self-love and compassion.  I think, too, my life is about finding such unifying and connected experiences in the various communities in my life, the community of friends I have and the chosen family I have created with my partner and our animals. 


This journey is about honoring my authentic self, enough to share it with the world, instead of hiding with fear and self-doubt.  I will use all of these tools and processes- -- the beating of the drum, the process of re-membering of my sometimes broken heart, the true connection I have with my people, the belief and trust that there is a place for me in the circle of this life, and the experience of coming-home, again and again, to my breath, to the heart beat, to the calming force of the mandala -- as ways to meet and welcome my true self.

Day 51: Radiate

Radiate: 1. To send out rays or waves. 2. To issue or emerge in rays or waves:  3. To extend in straight lines from or toward a center; diverge or converge like rays: 

4. To spread into new habitats and thereby diverge or diversify. 5. To emit (light, for example) in or as if in rays. 6. To send or spread out from or as if from a center: 7. To irradiate or illuminate 8. To manifest in a glowing manner:  9. Having rays or raylike parts, as in the flower heads of daisies.

As I look at this mandala now, I see 2 things.  The first thing I see is the sun radiating behind the palm tree in the foreground.  But at a quick second glance, it looks like a tomato!  (for some reason, that just cracks me up).  Anyway....

I am feeling the energy of summer, ready for the sun to radiate in all directions, warmth.  I am ready for a new canvas on which to paint this life -- a fresh, clean page, ready for new colors.  I am seeking the energy of others who radiate warmth, connection, compassion. 

 

Tomorrow, I will be taking an Intro to Hand Drumming class at the Women's Drum Center in St. Paul.  I expect that the energy of those participating will eminate  a powerful and connected force.  I look forward to being swallowed up in the rhythm and sound and energy of curious women who are gathering to learn something new.  I want to surround myself with positive, connected and compassionate energy.  I want to radiate this same energy back into the world.  The mandala-making process and this intro to hand drumming class are opportunities for me to do the self-care and grounding work that keeps me connected in the world (instead of running for my life, into solitude and hiding) to myself and to others.  These experiences allow me to manifest the most important things for me in this life -- authentic connection, radiating to and from my center.

Day 50: Growing Beyond

Growing: 1. to Increase in size by a natural process. 2. a. To expand; gain: b. To increase in amount or degree; intensify; 3. To develop and reach maturity. 4. To be capable of growth; thrive:  5. To come into existence from a source.

Beyond:  1. at or to the other or far side of something 2. outside the limits of something

Before I created this mandala, I knew I wanted to use the image of flowers, and quickly, I knew I wanted to them to grow beyond the outer edge of this circle.  It feels hopeful, and free to me, to see these flowers reaching beyond the limits imposed on the page.  I am trying to grow beyond the limits imposed in life.  Sometimes, these limits are imposed by others, and more often, these limits are self-imposed.  Why, I wonder, do I limit myself, or my thoughts in these ways?  There is a wider view available, if I look past the edge.  I am growing past the edge. 

Day 49: Center

Center:  1. the middle, a point that is equally distant from the sides or outer boundaries 2. a point equidistant from all points on the circumference of a circle  3. A point around which something rotates or revolves:  4. A part of an object that is surrounded by the rest; a core:  5. a. A place where a particular activity or service is concentrated: b. A point of origin, as of influence, ideas, or actions: c. An area of dense population:  6. A person or thing that is the chief object of attention, interest, activity, or emotion. 7. A person, object, or group occupying a middle position. 8. A political group or a set of policies representing a moderate view between those of the right and the left. 

Finding the center....centering....these are both the words and phrases that came to mind as I was creating this mandala.  There are times, when I am out of balance, and I can't find the middle.  I can't find the center, of myself, or a particular view.  There are times when this middle ground, this center, seems so unclear to me, and even sometimes, impossible to grab hold. I'm stuck or sucked to the edge, out of balance, and often, afraid, anxious.  Sometimes, I spin around the edges, with worry, with excessive "to do" lists, with expectations of myself or others. 

There are other times, when it is so clear to me that I am standing solidly in the middle, the center.  That I, in fact, am solidly centered, clear, in balance.  I love those moments, when from this place, life has an ease about it.  Things flow smoothly, my heart calms its beat, rests easy in the pace and my place in this life. 

It is when I can come back to the middle, to my breath, to the center of what matters - the heart of the matter, that I feel free.  The things that matter like compassion, for myself, and for others. Things like generosity, even to a stranger.  Things like connection, to myself and to my partner.  Things like noticing the beauty in art and nature and new babies.  You make the list.  When push comes to shove, we all know what matters.  

I like that this mandala has an image in the center that looks heart-like to me.  It breathes from the top, and is rooted with the 2 dots (feet maybe?) at the bottom.  The blue radiates outward, and the red holds the middle, as if with 2 cupped hands.  

After work today, after a very busy mind and a day filled with many specific tasks worked on and ticked off the incessant list, I went for a long walk.   The weather is beautiful, and in and of itself, changes me.  I walked to St. Kates, a place that has been central and continues to be central to my life.  I walked the labyrinth (the old one) and admired the new one.  Walking the labyrinth is such a centering experience.  Walking inward, to the center. Thank you to the mandala-making process, for bringing me back to center. 

Day 48: Splat

Splat:  This was the first image I saw when I googled the on-line definition of Splat!  FUN!

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		Definition:

1.  a single splash 2.  a slat of wood in the middle of the back of a straight chair- a straight-backed chair without arms, 3. to give off the sound of a bullet flattening on impact 4.  to be flattened on impact I created this mandala back in April, when I first was playing with markers in my long, narrow notebook.  At the time, I named it splat.  Fun for me, when I looked up the definition today for this blog, and saw, for the first time in these 48 days, an image included in a text-based definition.  I guess my mandala series is the very definition of splat! I also thought it was so interesting to learn of a definition I didn't previously know -- Splat - a slat of wood in the middle of the back of a straight chair, a chair without arms.  Immediately, I realized that without the support, a strong spine, or the support and backing of others, I can feel myself risk feeling the very sound and being the very  embodiment of the other definition of splat -- to be flattened on impact.  As I work toward these last 18 days of work before summer, before rest, before a fresh start, I continue to find my support and my strength, so as to not become the red splat at the end of a successful school year.

Day 47: Direction

Direction: 1. the act of directing or being directed 2. management or guidance 3. the work of a stage or film director 4. the course or line along which a person or thing moves, points, or lies 5. the place towards which a person or thing is directed 6. a line of action; a course 7. the name and address on a letter, parcel, etc. 8. the process of conducting an orchestra, choir, etc. 9. an instruction in music in the form of a word or symbol heading or occurring in the body of a passage, movement, or piece to indicate tempo, dynamics, mood, etc.


I created this series of mandalas in April, when I first bought and used some markers (instead of colored pencils).  At Wet Paint, I also discovered what felt like a cool long and narrow notebook, different from my usual square and small mandala notebook.  This was a fun exploration of ink and shapes and length and direction.  I like how the mandalas here grow from small to bigger, and the use of symbols with a point, and the variation in the direction of those points.  Just like life.  There is a constant variation in the direction of life, it seems.  Sometimes, my direction is clear, I know exactly where I want to go, where I am going.  The path feels right and clear and easy.  Other days, I'm all turned around, confused and actually begin to re-trace my steps back, to see where I might have taken a wrong turn.  I like the linear nature of this mandala series.  Once again, a feeling of comfort for me.  Life, of course, isn't linear, try as I might.  I hope I can take the cues in life that help me shape the path, much like the symbols in sheet music, helping me capture the tone and mood and tempo of any given moment on the path.  

Day 46: Whirl

Whirl:  1. To move with a twisting or whirling motion; 2. To be dizzy, disoriented. 3. To be arranged in a spiral or twist 4. confusion or disorder.


Today, again, I spent my time in the yard, potting flowers and creating a patio that I will enjoy each day throughout the summer.  Today, I spent the day in direct opposition to the notion of "Whirl". Today's "mind" was less busy than yesterday's mind.  I was able to be more fully present, enjoying seeing how my flower choices and combinations came to life in each of their respective pots.  The colors in this Mandala (which I made on 4-16-10) are bright like my flowers, like my summer.  It was a weekend, NOT spent in a dizzying or disoriented manner - -rather, a weekend spent in a peaceful, slow moving manner, with activities that helped me feel needed internal order. 

Day 45: Concentration

Concentration: 1. The act or process of concentrating, especially the fixing of close, undivided attention.


Today, I spent the day working in the yard, mowing, weeding, planting flowers, pulling weeds.  As I worked, I realized that my mind was quite busy, rolling over the dilemmas and tasks and conversations and emotions that go along with this life.  As I pulled weeds, I worked too, to pull the weeds of my mind.  To rid myself of that which I do not need.  To clear a way for my attention to be fully on the moment at hand - the beautiful warm sunny day, the peaceful and calm pace in which I was able to spend my day.  However, with my busy mind, it was a challenge to concentrate on the true present moment, as my mind's weeds crept back into yesterday, last week, last month, last year.  


After I finished and named this mandala  "concentration", I looked back in my blog to realize that on April 22nd, I created nearly this identical mandala -- same basic pattern, same basic colors.  I named it Contemplation. Interesting. I guess orange and green and yellow mean similar things to me.  This mandala, of course, has some added elements (squiggly lines, blurry circles inserted within the mandala, small blue dots throughout) - all representing my fractured mind, attention divided, difficult to concentrate on the present moment.  

Day 44: Exploration

Exploration:  1. the act or process of exploring

2. an organized trip into unfamiliar regions; expedition.

I actually made this mandala (my first one ever) 2-3 years ago.  My friend, Georgia and I had gathered some friends together for an "art-making" day.  We invited another friend, Nancy, to teach us about Mandalas, and walk us through the creation process.  This is what I created.  I have saved it for these last several years.  Today, it comes in handy (as I didn't have the energy tonight to start from scratch). 

The word "Exploration"  is perfect, as this mandala was just that - an exploration into unknown, unchartered territory.  I actually can't believe it has taken me these last 2-3 years to come back to the mandala-making process.  I loved the experience of creating this one, my first one. Why did I let it go?  

Now, as I play with the mandala a day project,  I am trying to view my daily life through the mandala, as well as through the "word lenses" reflected in my mandala process.  Life is, indeed, an exploration.  Sometimes, the unfamiliar regions are emotional -- other times, more intellectual -- other times, more relational.  If I can live my life with the attitude of an explorer, excited or at least curious (instead of afraid) to see what is coming around the next corner, I will better off.  If I can see this life as I see my mandala-making process, one of permission, acceptance -- I will be better off.  I love the metaphors at my disposal in this project.  The mandalas and the mandala-making process are holding my hand right now.  A comforting companion as I explore this life. 

Day 43: Journey

Journey:  1. The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. 2. A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip;  3.  A process or course in life, likened to traveling; a passage.


Journey - This word came immediately to mind, as I played with the stencils making this mandala.  The purple squiggles look like question marks to me.  The lines seem like distinct mile-markers.  The center spiral, and indication of a circular process, that goes inward.  


This life is a journey, and most importantly, an inward journey of self-discovery, growing to be our best selves in the world. We have all heard "Life is a journey" a million times. But, on challenging times, it is hard to remember, and hard to believe.  The challenges and hurdles of life become the focus, instead of remembering that we are all in process, on a journey.


Of all of the definitions noted above, I want to embrace the third one, most.  A process, a passage.  I know it there isn't really a destination in this life that matters, but rather, the process and journey and lessons we learn along the way.  I continue to question this journey, and how to hold onto a bigger view.  I continue to look for mile-markers and rest stops along the way, especially on hard days.  I like the depth of the single orange droplet in this mandala.  It will be my singular visual reminder of what is really important.  The journey.  The process.  

Day 42: Layers

Layers:  a. A single thickness of something covering a surface or forming an overlying part or segment; b. A depth or level.


There is definitely a depth or level to this life - always something covering the surface....the work is to uncover it, layer by layer.  What is really going on inside on those days I want to disappear?  What is really going on inside on those days I feel disconnected from myself or others?  What are the layers that are covering my authentic self?  What is the risk to remove the layers, one by one, and show myself, just as I am?  The layers are often protective, like a scab, covering over an old wound.  The work is to know when the protection is no longer needed.